By The Skipper

** - Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Identity Of Our Inside Sources.

Following Sunday’s stunning 2-1 defeat of Manchester United, the Kansas City Wizards announced they have signed a colorful new player. Although his role within the team has yet to be finalized, he is said to be a bright addition.

“The Wizards would like to acknowledge our latest possible signing that may or may not happen, South Korean Rainn Bo,” said Thob Romson**, also known as “Thobo,” in response to a statement released by Bo’s South Korean club team. “Though this guy might’ve been better served playing for us in ’98, we can now have the throwback jerseys so many fans have been clamoring for. Albeit with a slight change.”

The change is assumed to be a lack of a color closely resembling that of people’s cheeks when they’re embarrassed or drunk, a color no Wizards fan enjoyed at the new Arrowhead Stadium Sunday afternoon, a color commonly referred to as “red,” which I had to ask the main culprit about.

“C’mon man, it’s a friendly,” Cimmy Jonrad** ironically told JC.Com. “I had to go in for the tackle and center ref Terry Vaughn didn’t want to hear anything from me, my teammates, or even Sir Alex on the walk to the locker rooms just minutes later during the halftime interval.

“Personally, I was just stunned to see [Dimitar] Berbatov run. And I’m pretty pissed because I wanted to get Federico Macheda’s jersey after the game, as well as a few hair tips.”

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of Jonrad’s red card was that it was not directed at Manchester United’s Paul Scholes, the Red Devils’ ginger-haired hard man. 

“I mean, this is three games they’ve played so far and he hasn’t been sent off?” Jonrad queried incredulously. “It’ll be a shame for him to mar the All-Star game all by himself because he had an outside chance to share the accolades with Pablo Mastroeni and have both teams play ten versus ten but, unfortunately, Pablo isn’t there.”

With the victory over Manchester United secured, the Wizards organization can now look forward to the latter half of the MLS season.

“With the organization and players’ commitment, both on and off the field, to avoid the color red, we’re hoping that the potential addition of attacking midfielder Rainn Bo will lead us to the pot of gold at the end of the year,” stated Thobo without a hint of sarcasm.  “But only time will tell if he’s our lucky charm.”

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of The Skipper, and not of the Jimmy Conrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad.  If you think The Skipper wrote this through rose-tinted glasses, he can be reached at theskipper@jimmyconrad.com.

by fanista

Dateline

JULY 25, 2010

Kansas City Wizards vs Manchester United Football Club

Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, MO, USA

“I wanna be a billionaire so (extremely) bad.  Buy all of the things I never had.  
I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine. 
 Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen.” - Travis McCoy (from the song ‘Billionaire’ found on the album Lazarus)

As day broke in Kansas City, there was already a palpable excitement in the air.  This friendly pitted two very different sides against each other.  On the left-end of the pitch (as seen from the cheap seats), one found a team filled with superstars.  These players have played all over the world and were carefully assembled into a cohesive unit by a manager renowned as a master technician.  Disparate early development aside, the players have meshed together for the greater good.  They play with a swagger and panache.  The stadium was abuzz to see them play.

On the other end was a team from somewhere overseas.

My friend Nigel was in town from the greater Dukinfield metroplex, and he was stoked.  He chattered away using strange phrases in an odd accent.  Before heading to Arrowhead "at the weekend," he watched the pre-game show “on telly.”  We stopped for “petrol” just off the “dual carriageway” where we gave the attendant a “tenner.”  In the stadium “car park,” we got into a “row” because a “slaphead” “slagged off” “Sir Alex” but got “spawny” when a “bobby” “popped round” in his “panda car” to “suss out” the “wally.”  Inside the stadium he purchased a “banger” on which he put “mustard.”  Outrageous!

Whilst he was wittering on, the Wizards took immediate control of the match.  In the 11th minute, a great sequence of one-touch passing sent Davy Arnaud in on goal.  His low, hard shot beat United keeper Ben Amos to the far post.  The Wizards and their fans went berserker.  Nigel was chuffed.

United pulled even on a penalty kick, but the Wizards went ahead for good in the 42nd minute.  A Ryan Smith corner kick was met by the head of Kai Kamara.  His driven header struck the bottom of the crossbar and caromed almost directly straight down.  A goal was awarded and, once again, the blue-clad masses rocked the stadium.

In the end, it was just a good, fun match.  The sides were clapped out from the heat, but everyone seemed to be in good spirits.  The overall objectives had been met:

1) The Wizards had tested their mettle versus one of the top teams in the world.

2) United had challenged their young players in adverse conditions and had increased their fitness in the Missouri heat.

3) I finished this match report without mentioning Jimmy Conrad’s expulsion.

4) D’oh!!!

Taking The Lead From The Leadership Style Of North Korean President Kim Jong-il, JC.Com Has Fined Fanista For His Failure To Follow Standard Protocol Following Any Negative Event That Can Disillusion Readers From The Greatness That Is Jimmy Conrad. Fanista's Mere Mention Of "The Incident" Above, However Innocent It May Seem, Will Be Punished Accordingly.  To Be His Pen Pal During His Jail Sentence, Please Write To fanista@jimmyconrad.com.

By fanista

Dateline:

JULY 11, 2010

Netherlands vs Spain

Soccer City Stadium, Johannesburg, South Africa

Place watched:  KC Live, Power & Light District, Kansas City MO

“We’re getting closer

This isn’t over
…

Waka waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa

This time for Africa”

- Shakira (from the song ‘Waka Waka (this Time For Africa)’ written for the 2010 World Cup)

The day of the World Cup final began as most days do in Kansas City: brilliant sunshine, followed by a torrential rain and flash flooding, immediately followed by sunshine again.  Despite the warm temperatures and 110% humidity, I made my way back to Kansas City Live at the Power & Light District – as seen on ABC / ESPN promos – where a fairly good-sized gathering was ramping up to view the final.

Being an impartial observer to this match was a unique situation for this fanista.  Traditionally, one side or another is chosen to vociferously cheer on to victory.  Allegiances may be based on geography, familiarity with the contestants, rooting for a significant underdog, or simply due to the preference of the color black over the color red.  In the event of the latter, I might go as far as getting tattooed and travelling to Vegas to shout at the side of a roulette wheel.  Perhaps one team has a better-looking crest than the other side, or is sponsored by adidas versus another sportswear company.  It could be anything, really.  On this day, however, I had no loyalty (real or contrived) to either nation or team and was looking forward to a good match.

To many people, crazy hairstyles and bad facial hair characterize every World Cup, but to me, it is also about soccer.  Sure, I have a wacky hairstyle and I decided to grow a really bad mustache during these 31 days, but the most enduring legacy actually takes place on the field. I think a lot of folks around the world forget that.  The World Cup symbolizes an epic struggle between nations.  The 2010 World Cup featured the indomitable spirit of Spain, and the resilience of the Dutch… against the evil empire of England where the officiating crew originated.

Once again it seemed like sub-par officiating helped decide the result.  Weak yellow cards were given, and a yellow where a red card should have been, cast a pall on the match.  I suppose everything evened out when John Heitinga was sent off for a second yellow when his first was weak; because perhaps Mark Van Bommel, and certainly Nigel de Jong, should have drawn straight red cards for violent challenges.

In the end, the result was fair.  Spain won in extra time on a tremendous strike by Andres Iniesta.  Both sides had good scoring chances, but Spain was clearly the better side.  The best part of the end result was that the match was decided by a goal in the 118th minute and NOT via penalty kicks.  In that regard, we were all winners.  Waka Waka, indeed.

¡Viva España!

Sadly, World Cup Month On JC.Com Is Almost Finshed.  We're Just Waiting On A Word From Our Trusted Leader.  Stay Tuned.

By JROCK

The North Koreans returned home two weeks ago from South Africa after being bounced from the 2010 World Cup, which not only did they fail to secure a single point during the tournament but they served as somewhat of a punching bag for several elite teams.  Now, due to reports from people near the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), word has leaked that many of the players from the North Korean National team have gone “missing” and are feared to have been jailed, and most likely tortured, by dictator Kim Jong-il following their lackluster performance at the world’s biggest tournament.

It’s a widely known fact that Jong-il had high hopes for the squad, believing they had the quality to make a major impact at this year’s tournament.   Sadly he was very wrong, not that the citizens of North Korea were the wiser.  The governmental control over the media meant that though North Korea were outscored 12 – 1 in actuality, all reports in North Korea only mentioned their lone goal against Brazil and the “Kim Jong-il like” moves of the goal scorer. 

Having suffered an embarrassing exit from South Africa, Kim Jong-il and his advisors are hard at work devising a plan to win the cup next time around in 2014.  As far fetched as it might sound, the North Koreans will be focusing on several areas designed to create a winner.   Some of those ideas include:

-  Naturalizing players.  Break out player of the 2014 World Cup – Ronaldinho Nam-Choi

-  Uniforms designed by Kim Jong-il himself.  The sleek monotone grey jump suit he wears now will be adapted into all new kits for the team, designed to help them run a dictatorship on the field while he ruthlessly runs one back home.

-  Bill Clinton.  Since the Clinton brokered release of 2 American journalists last year, Jong-il has been plotting a way to get the former President back to North Korea.  Now that the former President loves soccer, I think he found his angle.

-  Double the fan presence at the games.  Since no North Korean citizen is allowed to leave the country, Kim Jong-il is planning to hire twice as many Chinese actors to pose as North Korean fans at the next World Cup.

-  The bomb.  By 2014, North Korea will have a fully functional long range rocket with a nuclear warhead capable of hitting anywhere on the globe and Kim Jong-il is crazy enough to use it.  North Korea wins the next 17 World Cups in a row.

These ideas are still in the planning stages but it’s clear that North Korea is taking this sport very seriously from here on out.  In fact, Kim Jong-il feels strongly that North Korean soccer will dominate the world by 2014 but “If that doesn’t work,” he stated through an interpreter, “there’s always regular world domination motherf*ckers.”

World Cup Month On JC.Com Continues Albeit Without The Same Kind Of Enthusiasm Once The U.S. Lost To Ghana.  We're Keeping A Brave Face To Manage Our Overwhelming Disappointment.  We Could've Beat Uruguay If We Had The Chance!  

Dear Aunt Gladys,

  I have been watching this year's World Cup with increasing interest.  Something has me really concerned, however.  Can't they do something about the huge swarms of bees?  I have heard that the African bees are a problem, but haven't had any experience with the problems they cause... until now.

- Intrigued

In Trees, you seem to be a little confused.  What you are hearing on the World Cup broadcasts are not bees, they are the South African horns called "Vuvuzelas."  While they are loud and annoying, they pose no danger to American Honey bee culture, unless a particular bee happens to be a soccer fan.

Dear Aunt Gladys,

  Where can I get some of this "magic spray" they are using at the World Cup?  A player will lie writhing on the ground like he has been mauled by a grizzly bear after a vicious tackle.  After the trainers come out and spray him down with this spray, though, he leaps to his feet, does a jig, and then sprints back out to the field.  Me likey!

- Wants what Lucky's got

Lucky, there is nothing magic about this spray.  It is a topical anesthetic called vapocoolant.  It contains some or all of the following:

- Ethyl chloride

- Dimethyl ether

- Eye of Newt

- A warlock’s curse

You can pick up a can at your local CVS Pharmacy or ask your Shamen's office if they carry it in spray form.

Dear Aunt Gladys,

  How do players stay in touch with their families when they are so far away?

- Mother Hen

Hennie, the players take a lot of their family members with them when they participate in a World Cup.  The family travels separately, of course, but players enjoy having their support system close.  When my nephew Jimmy played in the last World Cup, he used to write me letters since I was unable to go to Germany (my Canasta League wasn't going to run itself!).  His letters were beautifully written in fountain pen on parchment which was rolled and sealed, then taken by courier to the coast.  From Dunkerque, the letters were transported by steamer to New York City where they would enter the USPS system.  No, wait... he sent them by email and Phyllis at the Center would print them out for me in large font and I would read them when she brought me my afternoon pills.  Those were good times.

We Can't Keep Up The Pace To Match The Demand For World Cup Month On JC.Com But We're Trying.  Seriously.  With Everything We Have.

(Kansas City, Missouri) – He had known that having his two favorite teams lose on the same day was a distinct possibility but for local resident, Mark Richardson, it was too much to bear.

“My day started innocently enough, Uruguay won as expected, I had my face painted red, white, and blue, I had a great seat for the U.S. – Ghana game at the Power & Light District,” explained Richardson to a throng of reporters outside of the downtown police department following his release on bail.  “But it was hot out, I had a few shots after we gave up the goal in overtime, you know, to dull the pain I was feeling but I felt fine.  It wasn’t like I was going to drive anywhere or anything.”

Security guards in the Living Room area of the Power & Light District in Downtown Kansas City, where thousands of fans had congregated to cheer the U.S. to victory, had a different story.

“I believe it was right when the game ended because everyone was booing that redheaded announcer, calling him ‘Mr. Negative’ and saying ‘bring back the goatee,’ and whatever,” remembered part-time guard Walt Stansiwyck, “but this one guy was losing his mind, yelling stuff, charging through the crowd, making a scene.”

Mr. Stansiwyck’s partner and local NRA member, Lawrence Biggs, concurred, “We have had some incidents at this location before but a civilian decided to take things one step further.”

As described by witnesses, a face-painted man started screaming, “Why the f*** would he do that?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” while pushing women and children out of the way as he staggered to the main stage to get the attention of the disappointed crowd.

There was no microphone available so he held up a make-believe one, pretended to tap it a few times, and yelled, “Is this thing on?”  Followed by, “Why would a coach change a line-up that played so well the game before?  Someone please tell me why!”

Before the man, now identified as Mark Richardson, could continue his oration, security contained him, took him to their holding compound on the premises, and released him a few hours later after he sobered up.  Upon his discharge, he was overheard mumbling, “My Wizards better do the business tonight.”

According to police reports, following his release from faux-prison, Mr. Richardson got picked up by a friend, went home to wash the paint off of his face, changed from the ‘Dempsey’ U.S. jersey he had on into his baby blue ‘Garcia’ jersey from 2000, and headed over to Community America Ballpark to watch his beloved Wizards from his seat in the Cauldron.

“I can’t say I remember much of anything upon arriving at the CAB,” Richardson recalled with his face buried in his hands.  “Maybe because I knew deep down what was going to happen when my Wizards took the field.  We weren’t going to score and we were going to give up soft goals.  We started the season so well.”

Once again, local authorities contradicted the statements made by the Mr. Richardson.  Sgt. Arthur “Mac” McEntyre explained:  “What the suspect, who was above the legal limit for alcohol consumption, fails to reveal in his statement to the press is that he got on the roof of the nearby Taco Bueno following the conclusion of the Wizards 3-0 loss to the team from New York and threatened to jump.  His list of demands included:  Re-signing Miklos Molnar, making Peter Vermes a player/coach, and a free sandwich from Planet Sub, which he said he was entitled to since a team scored three goals.”

Richardson has been released on $250 bail and is awaiting a trial for disturbing the peace, public drunkenness, and resisting arrest.

Summer Interns For JC.Com Collectively Contributed To This Story

As time goes by and through my inside sources in the French government (my aunt had a fling once with current Minister Of Foreign Affairs, Bernard Kouchner, when he was studying in the States in the fall of 1965), I have intercepted little kernels of information about France’s debacle in the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.  This information sheds light on the mindset of the players as they staged their mini-coup in front of the world and, ultimately, led to their embarrassing demise and early exit from the tournament.  Here’s an excerpt of what I have uncovered, roughly translated into English:

Idiot coach,

We do not agree with your decision to remove Nicolas Anelka from the squad.  I am Patrice Evra and I play for Manchester United.  I am more important than you and so are many of these players.  I have gathered a list of other issues that are bothering us, please read it a few times or have someone read it to you if you can’t read, which would make sense because you are dumb.

-  Mr. Unibrow, you look like a muppet and no one takes you seriously.

-  Stupid face, we play half-hearted because we know deep down that we cheated and that Ireland should be here and not us.

-  Idiot boss, unless you bring us underage prostitutes, we are not practicing.

-  Buffoon, I’m always confused about why we have a logo of a chicken on our jersey.  I doubt you have the answer but I thought I would ask anyway.

-  Horse’s a**, the young players are terrified of Franck. They think he looks like Quasimodo.  Would you consider bringing Anelka back and kicking off Ribery instead?

Please resign,

The Players Of Les Bleus

---

What will happen next?  No one knows but since the French government is now meddling in the French Football Federation’s affairs, things should only get better from here.

I’ll keep you posted.

World Cup Month On JC.Com Continues With More Heart-Wrenching Stories Day After Day After Day.  Free Noogies For Anyone Who Comes Back Often.

The answer lies below in a game we like to call Eternal Optimist versus Pessimistic Pessimist.  Enjoy.

Eternal Optimist (JC.Com Staff Writer JROCK): Four years have passed since we were defeated 2-1 by Ghana in the 2006 World Cup, which knocked us out of the tournament and dealt a crushing blow to the state of U.S. Soccer, but now it’s payback time.  It’s time for retribution.

Pessimistic Pessimist (JC.Com Staff Writer and Resident Bully Know-It-All Jones):  J*OCK, you need to take a real hard look at reality because if you do, then you’ll come to this conclusion:  the Americans have no f****** chance.  Zero.  Nil.  None.  And I’ll tell you why:  The World Cup is being held in Africa and Ghana is the last African team in the tournament.  If you thought the dumb**** referees were f****** us over in the last two games, just wait.  Just f****** wait.

Eternal Optimist:  First of all it’s JROCK, with only one C, not two.  Second, here’s something YOU should know about Ghana:  A very popular movie in this country is the film, “Powder,” which might not mean anything to you but given the physical similarities of the main character in the movie and Michael Bradley, I think we will have the edge.  If only because the Ghanaians are going to be so mistakenly star struck that the U.S. Coach’s son will most certainly have a good game and lead us to victory.

Pessimistic Pessimist:  Gay-Rock, what is your drug of choice?  Because you are f****** high.  I like the movie, “Beverly Hills Cop,” but that doesn’t mean the Eddie Murphy look-alike on Ghana is going to tear sh*t up.  You have to come with a better f****** argument than that if you want to make me a believer.

Eternal Optimist:  I’ll give you two words to make you a believer:  Landon Donovan.

Pessimistic Pessimist:  You expect me to be a f****** believer because of him?  He’s non-existent for the whole f***** game against Algeria, gets rewarded for cherry picking at the end when Algeria is threatening to score, and I’m supposed to buy into what he’s selling.  No f***** chance.  He’ll fold against Ghana like he did in 2006.

Eternal Optimist:  Switching gears since your hate for Landon is appalling and un-American, I believe that there is genuine momentum behind our team with our back-to-back comebacks versus England and Slovenia and our complete performance versus Algeria.  Every day, people who never cared before are caring about this team, this tournament, and this sport and there is a groundswell of support of an entire nation behind this team.  We will win and anyone who doesn’t support them is a communist.  

Pessimistic Pessimist:  You make it sound like even Ghana wants us to f****** win.  Once Team USA starts thinking they are a team of destiny, then that’s when sh** usually hits the fan.

Eternal Optimist:  Ghana will be without their best player, Michael Essien, who is nicknamed the Bison, and in America, the Bison has been hunted to near extinction.

Pessimistic Pessimist:  F*** Michael Essien and the gold chariot he flew in on, which was probably purchased by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich.  We don’t need him.  We have Kevin Prince-Boateng and he’s a f****** baller so you’ve been warned, my American brethren.

Eternal Optimist:  Prince-Boateng isn’t going to matter because the Ghanaians haven’t scored during this World Cup from the run of play.

Pessimistic Pessimist:  Keep telling yourself that, Baywatch.  The referees will bail them out with another bull**** penalty kick like they did in 2006 and the Americans will cry.  Again.  It’s going to be f****** awesome.

Eternal Optimist:  I predict a 2-1 win for the U.S. with goals by Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore.  We will go up 2-0 and Ghana will score one late to set-up a nail biting finish but Tim Howard will come up with two big saves to secure us the win.  Also, the name is JROCK. 

Pessimistic Pessimist:  What’s that song I’m thinking of?  I think it goes something like “When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are…” Do you know that one?  Because that’s you, H & R Block.  You’re f****** dreaming.

Eternal Optimist:  Let’s make a bet then.  U.S. wins, you have to write about how great I am and if Ghana wins, I’ll call you my hero for a week and start cussing incessantly to honor you.

Pessimistic Pessimist:  That’s a f***** deal.  I hope you lose, you p****.

Eternal Optimist:  Good luck to you, too.

Please Join Us For Scintillating Coverage Of The 2010 World Cup And More.  Much, Much More.

(Rustenburg, South Africa) - Hours after the United States dramatic victory over Algeria in the 2010 World Cup, which propelled them into the elimination rounds for the first time since 2002, the truth started to unfold about what the team used as motivation.

“When I was a senior at St. Thomas Aquinas-Mercy High School in St. Louis, we had a class motto, which I helped conceive,” explained U.S. Assistant Coach Mike Sorber as he patted himself on the back.  “And it was:  ‘We Believe, We Achieve.’  I came up with the ‘We’ part.”

Coach Sorber went on to describe how much the motto meant to him throughout his career, specifically when he was the lone gringo playing for UNAM Pumas in the Mexican League prior to the formation of Major League Soccer.

“After being in Mexico for an extended period of time, I was almost tempted to switch allegiances to ‘Si Se Puede,’ but after suffering some personal disappointments, I came back to ‘We Believe, We Achieve,’” offered Bob Bradley’s right-hand man.  “It has and always will be my guiding light.”

He continued speaking about all the instances when he leaned on the motto to keep him upright during his darkest days and then finally, after a few hours, referenced why he hadn’t shared it with the U.S. team and its players until now.

“They are a highly motivated bunch of guys, which makes my job incredibly easy,” said the substitution card specialist, who has the best handwriting on the coaching staff.  “But I could sense that we needed a lift following the Jekyll and Hyde performance against Slovenia so I looked at myself in the mirror and decided to let it go.  It was time to share my motto with the world.”

And we’re glad you did.  Go USA!

Umberto Zappia is a freelance writer, who was crafted pieces for many upstanding publications like Time, The Wall Street Journal, and Hustler.  He is in South Africa following the U.S. team for the duration of their run in the 2010 World Cup.

By Fanista

Dateline

JUNE 23, 2010

USA v. Algeria

Loftus Versfeld Stadium - Tshwane/Pretoria, South Africa

Place watched:  KC Live, Power & Light District, Kansas City MO

The day dawned warm and sunny.  There was the smell of hope in the air, mingling with the aroma of burnt toast that Mrs. Fanista was preparing in the kitchen.  I would not be attending this match in person, so I sought to find a group of like-minded fans to enjoy the experience with me.

I don't need to tell you the stakes of this match... but I will anyway.  All it takes is a win for the US to advance to the knockout stage of the 2010 World Cup.  No big deal, really-- just the BIGGEST SINGLE SPORTING COMPETITION IN THE WORLD!!!

The USA enters this match as the renegade.  Even so, they are wearing white hats in a green hat world.  They don't take guff from anyone.  They are not entirely sure what the word 'guff' means, but they won't be having any of it.  From anyone.  Wearing a green hat, or otherwise.

The action started with the US in typical defensive disarray mode.  After giving up a couple good chances to Algeria, they settled in and started creating chances of their own.

With the teams level at the halftime break, the United States made a tactical change.  Herculez Gomez exited in favor of Benny Feilhaber.  The change pushed Clint Dempsey up top and dropped Feilhaber into Dempsey's midfield role.  While not paying off with an immediate goal, the US did continue the pressure in the second half.

News from the other Group C match was not good, given the situation in our current game.  England had taken a one - nil lead and were now playing 10 - 11 men behind the ball.  They were counting on the one goal sticking!

Bob Bradley's men were not concerned.  They watched regulation end.  They watched 4 minutes of stoppage time added to the board.  And they waited.  Poised.  For attack.

Finally, they did attack.

A fierce drive by Dempsey in the 92nd minute was parried into the path of Landon Donovan who, cool as you like, deposited the ball low into the left side of the net.  The United States are through.  Did you catch that?

THE UNITED STATES ARE THROUGH!