A couple of things:

1. I apologize profusely for the lack of attention that we have given this distinguished blog.  The hiatus has been a direct result of my retirement from the sport of soccer, which you can read about here, and my time, which I thought was going to be consumed by rest, relaxation, and golf, has been burdened with what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, which has yet to be decided.

2.  In the midst of my "free" time, I have morphed the extremely popular "The Jimmy Conrad Podcast" into "Jimmy Conrad's American Soccer Spectacular." It's a new weekly show that I am hosting with my BFF, Frank Kuzava, we're already eight episodes in and it includes special guest appearances by Steve Cherundolo, Kyle Beckerman, Heath Pearce, Davy Arnaud, Brad Evans, Nat Borchers, Kei Kamara, Steve Ralston, Landon Donovan, Brad Davis, Chad Barrett, Stu Holden, and Todd Dunivant. You should check it out via iTunes or non-iTunes, I think you'll like it.

That is all.

Thank you.

Jimmy

The rankings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:

1.  Each player is rated on a sliding scale of movie greatness with a “5” being this:

And a “1” being this:

2.  If you don’t think “The Big Lebowski” is a “5,” then maybe you should go get your player evaluations from somewhere else.

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STARTERS: 

Tim Howard (2.5)

While not all the goals were his fault, the standard that Mr. Howard has set makes it unconscionable that he would give up two goals, the first and third from the Mexicans, without having his feet set to react properly.  In short, we love you, Tim, but we needed more for us to have a legitimate chance in the game.

Eric Lichaj (2.5)

A tale of two parts: the first (where he started as a left back) was a compelling view; the second part began when Cherundolo's exit marked his moving to the right side of defense. Eventually, he was fully exposed, standing in front of a mirror talking to himself.

Carlos Bocanegra (2)

Finally facing a formidable opponent for the first time in the 2011 Gold Cup, our captain tried to slaughter every Mexican player and attack down by himself.  In a game where we needed to be disciplined and organized to frustrate the opposition, we were anything but and as a center back that is the most important part of your job.

Clarence Goodson (2)

Another U.S. defender culpable for our lack of organization, Clarence wasn’t solely responsible for any particular goal scored against us but he didn’t make any plays to ebb the Mexican flow.  In short, he witnessed a really good game and, we could argue, had the best seat in the house.

Steve Cherundolo (NR)

By far, the best and most consistent U.S player throughout the 2011 Gold Cup, whose presence was sorely missed after an assassination attempt on his ankle by someone from own team.  Also, this hasn’t been confirmed but we heard that there was a severed horse’s head in teammate Jermaine Jones’ bed this morning.

Michael Bradley (2.5)

His goal was a twist not many saw coming, which overshadowed a performance that lacked any control.  After going up 2-0, we needed to stay compact and keep it that way until halftime where we could’ve regrouped and made the proper tactical adjustments instead of trying to make it 3-0.  Both Mexican goals prior to the conclusion of the first half could have been averted had Bradley been more patient and alert to his surroundings.  Sometimes less is more.

Jermaine Jones (2.5)

At first, he was doing everything right, placing his hands over the hands of the U.S., tackling everything in sight, even his own teammates, to help shape the match.  Later, you felt like you were watching a touching scene until you realized Demi Moore was only making out with Whoopi Goldberg.

Freddy Adu (4)

Yoda once said, “Size matters not.  Look at me.  Judge me by size, do you?”  And Adu proved he now has the maturity and wherewithal to battle the Dark Side (Mexico) in an intergalactic war (The 2011 Gold Cup Final) for supremacy in the universe (The CONCACAF Region).  Our only concern is if this is just a one-off.  Can he do it again…and again and again?

Alejandro Bedoya (3)

Not originally on Bob Bradley's roster, Bedoya proved he is on the cusp of being someone we can count on game in and game out as a sub.  He doesn’t have the sustained presence to be a regular starter yet.

Clint Dempsey (3.5)

With equal parts pace and fury mixed with a few “Are you talkin’ to me?” moments with his Mexican counterparts, his blast off the crossbar in the 2nd half would have leveled the match at 3.

Landon Donovan (4)

Dangerous from start until the final whistle, his performance was visually stunning and expertly acted.

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Subs:

Jonathan Bornstein (1)

Sadly, it was more like, “Dude, where’s the guy I’m supposed to be marking?”

Juan Agudelo (2.5)

In his first real game for the National Team, which wasn’t a friendly or a Gold Cup group game but a true final in a tough atmosphere, he looked his age.  Has the tools but needs more experience.

Sasha Kljestan (3.5)

A late replacement for Adu, Kljestan looked like a new man devoid of unfortunate facial hair. He created a couple late chances but entered the match too late to make a real difference.

The rankings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:

1.  Each player is rated on a sliding scale of finely-made automobiles with a “5” being this:

And a “1” being this:

2.  Thanks to the car we compared to Tim Howard, we can’t get that damn Bob Seger song out of our head.

---------------------------------

Tim Howard (3.5) – Ford F150

Like a rock, Howard was reliable, trustworthy, and strong.  Fortunately, he was not called upon often but, when he was, he dealt with all the crosses in his area, hardly ever dropping into 4-wheel drive, and made a late save, which showed his true towing capacity. Thankfully, he did not have to cart the entire team on his massive shoulders like he usually does.

Eric Lichaj (3.5) – V6 Honda Accord

Left back Lichaj had speed when he needed it and provided a very steady performance over the course of the match.  Can he keep it up versus a much better opponent in front of 100,000 fans on Saturday?

Carlos Bocanegra (3) – Mercury Sable

As a player, “Captain Carl” had a dream game, which was no pressure from the other team on either side of the ball, but from a fan’s perspective, it was boring as shit.  Of course, boring as shit wins matches but it would be nice to see him break a sweat.

Clarence Goodson (3) – Ford Aerostar Minivan

Much like his center back counterpart, Clarence had the capacity to do more but never had to get it out of first gear, which left us who witnessed the affair to wonder, “Wait, Clarence played?”

Steve Cherundolo (4.5) – '67 Mustang

Classic, elegant, and still able to get on it when needed, Cherundolo was the pace setter on the right side. He was constantly in the right position on defense and his excellent cross in the first half should have resulted in the first goal of the match.  His current playing level is definitely a notch above everyone else.

Michael Bradley (3) – '75 Chevrolet Monte Carlo

Not the best 90 minutes of the tournament for the coach’s son but his engine never quit, which is the quintessential element of American-made muscle.

Jermaine Jones (3) – Sherman Tank

JJ barreled into tackles, which made for a less-than-attractive outing, but he did well getting the job done. If he was still stinging from having his first international goal being taken away earlier this week against Jamaica (it was ruled to be an own goal), it did not show.

Sasha Kljestan (2) – A Modified VW Beetle

Sasha has had a great run during this tournament to potentially cement his name as someone Bob can count on in the future but his performance on this day was not the stuff dreams are made of. With a few tweaks here or there, he will be back doing what he does best soon-- which apparently does not include shaving.

Alejandro Bedoya (3) – Lexus ES
350

While not the fastest car on the road, Bedoya held his own on the wing and was tireless
 in his pursuit for perfection.

Clint Dempsey (4) – 2011 Dodge Charger

Explosive when he had to be, Dempsey once again put the ball in the net when the stakes were high. Landon Donovan's pass made the play but Dempsey did what he had to when the ball arrived.

Juan Agudelo (2.5) – Pontiac Fiero

Looking sleek and agile from the opening gun, the youngster was sometimes overmatched as the race wore on.  He did well on Cherundolo's cross in the first half, narrowly missing out on his first goal of the tournament.

--------------------------------

Subs:

Landon Donovan (4) – Prius

Economical in motion, Donovan's rating on this night only looked Prius-esque when compared to his multitude of Lamborghini past performances. He delivered the pass that led to the goal, proving that even a Prius has a bit of pop when you put your boot to the floor.

Freddy Adu (3.5) - Ford Escape

In much the same way that Ford created the Escape after abandoning the Bronco due to its identification as a vehicle that runs from the police, this Adu looked like an improvement over the previous model. His fantastic ball into space for Donovan provided the catalyst for the goal and he even made the first slide tackle of his National Team career.  Maybe everyone should play in a Sunday men’s league in Turkey.

Every national team head coach is faced with tough decisions when selecting the final squad for a FIFA-recognized tournament. The 2011 Gold Cup was no exception for Bob Bradley, the man in charge of the US National Team, as the winner of this tournament will play in the 2013 Confederation Cup in Brazil.

As we head into today’s semifinal, we will continue to learn if Bob made a mistake by not including these players in his roster below:

- Teal Bunbury

Case for inclusion - scored a goal for the USA in just his second appearances with the full National Team

Possible factors for exclusion - limited success on his club team; spends too much time on Twitter

- Chad Marshall

Case for inclusion - central defender brought up under the tutelage of Jimmy Conrad; has the physical tools to be a formidable force

Possible factors for exclusion - has vowed to not return to the National Team until his mentor is properly reinstated

- Stuart Holden

Case for inclusion - great vision; scored 2 goals in successful club season with Bolton Wanderers in England; is better at 50% than Freddy Adu is at 100%

Possible factors for exclusion - sustained a knee injury in March from which he has not yet returned

- DaMarcus Beasley

Case for inclusion - has represented the US at every level with extraordinary success

Possible factors for exclusion - his speed is no longer able to surprise opponents due to his past success; is "getting his beach on" down in "Florida"

- Taylor Twellman

Case for inclusion - dangerous attacking option both on the ground and in the air; is fearless competitor despite imposing opponents

Possible factors for exclusion - still suffering from effects of being repeatedly concussed; his service to the United States is required as an analyst in the broadcast booth; has a really large head

- John Harkes

Case for inclusion - was named "Captain for Life" by head coach Steve Sampson; scored a goal for English side Sheffield Wednesday in a League Cup final at Wembley Stadium

Possible factors for exclusion - Sampson no longer coach; not able to fit time to play for US into hectic schedule; has less credibility due to new faux-beard

- Brad Friedel

Case for inclusion - arguably the most decorated goalkeeper for both club and country

Possible factors for exclusion - due to accent, is thought to be British

- Lionel Messi

Case for inclusion - great touch and vision puts him in fantastic form; perhaps best player of all time

Possible factors for exclusion - roster already features Freddy Adu who has been anointed by many to be the best player of all time since he was age 14- no room on one squad for two Best Players of All Time; through no fault of his own he is from Argentina

- Sam Houston

Case for inclusion - master technician; has shown great success against Mexico when the stakes were high

Possible factors for exclusion - not a soccer player; is deceased

- Chad Ochocinco

Case for inclusion - incredible speed; generates massive mainstream public interest

Possible factors for exclusion - celebrity could be seen as a distraction for the team; is rubbish at proper football

With a little help from an old friend, we’re going to resurrect a trusted outlet to express our opinions in a little piece we like to call, “semiPRO vs. CONrad.”

Today’s Topic:  Do you think Bob Bradley will get fired if the U.S. doesn't win the 2011 Gold Cup?

CONrad (Jimmy Conrad, former host of the radio show, "MLS Radio," former ESPN.com columnist, budding runway model): You go first.

semiPRO (Pat Walsh, former host of the radio show, "Munk And The Mick," former Goal.com columnist, current lover of the arts):  Prior to the start of the tournament, I watched the U.S. get dismantled by Spain 4-0 while only managing one shot on goal and I wonder if the question should read, "Should Bob Bradley be fired before the 2011 Gold Cup?" instead.  After our less than stellar performance in the group stage and the confident results put up by Costa Rica, Jamaica, and Mexico, I’m not sure our guys can hang with the kind of fire power that might finally make the veins on the side of Bob’s head explode.

CONrad:  First off, you must not be a Bob Bradley zealot like my cousin who told me that the veins popping out of Bob's head have been there since birth, which is, apparently, his blessing and his curse. Second, who cares that we lost to Spain 4-0 and only managed one shot on goal in 90 minutes? It was a friendly so we played friendly. We own them when the game actually means something.

semiPRO:  I'm not a zealot but I would like to see the long form birth certificates of those veins.  And tell me this:  How does Bob put his starting line-ups together and how does he decide who comes off the bench?  Is it by throwing darts at faces on a dartboard?  Because there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason behind it.  For example, he initially left Alejandro Bedoya off of the 23-man roster and now Bedoya is the first person off the bench.

CONrad: Again you have demonstrated that you have little to no idea about the essence of Bob.  Here's a cheat sheet, which will serve you well to write down:  1. Bob is smarter than you.  2. Bob knows exactly what he is doing.  3. Bob doesn't need to answer to anyone.  If you are paying attention, I mean really, really paying attention and reading between the lines, then you'll understand that the massacre by the feet of Spain was part of a master plan to humble his side and gain the players' focus heading into what you consider to be a tournament that will determine Bob's fate, which I find to be laughable.  Bob's job is as safe as safe can be.

semiPRO:  You are correct that I have no idea about the essence of Bob but I do know the essence of a good coach and Bob is not that. He showed that at the World Cup in South Africa last year and throughout qualifying by continually picking the wrong starting eleven. Now he picked the wrong 23 for this tournament. But unlike the changes he could make at halftime of a World Cup games, Bob can't magically call in several more guys after the group stage.

CONrad:  Listen, Bob was the first coach in the history of the Men's National Team to get us into the final of a major competition (the 2009 Confederations Cup) and to win a group in the World Cup (2010 in South Africa), which should be more than enough to command your respect and to keep the haters, like yourself, from drinking the Hater-Aid but it clearly is not.  So let me offer you a few more tidbits of info to help sway you to jump on the Bob bandwagon:  He has broadened the player pool significantly by giving caps to anyone in Mexico, Canada, Germany, etc., who might have a cousin by marriage who is American, and he has kept his nepotism in check by not naming his son captain even though we all know he wants to.  What else do you want from the guy?

semiPRO:  Yes, Bob has accomplished all of that but his record at the Confederations Cup, which should be noted, was two wins, three losses, AND he blew a 2-0 halftime lead in the final. A year later, he wa s lucky to get out of the group stage in South Africa, let alone win it.  However, if you’ve been watching because I’m not sure that you have, it appears now that the golden horseshoe that Bob has been sitting on or had up his backside has disappeared and he’s going to go down as the first U.S. coach to ever lose a Gold Cup group game. For me, that should be more than enough to get him fired.

CONrad: So…

semiPRO:  I’m not done.  While Mr. Bradley has expanded the player pool, it's one that is still kiddie pool shallow in depth.  Just how bad are things when Freddy Adu is getting called back into camp?  So yes, I will still keep drinking the Hater-Aid until Bob is gone because there doesn’t seem to be anything else to drink, save for heavy amounts of alcohol to numb the pain.

CONrad:  You didn't answer my question but instead offered up two paragraphs of vitriol against good ol' Bob.  Well played. But let's be honest, if not him, then who?  And you have to give me a legitimate answer, none of this pie-in-the-sky Jose Mourinho or Guus Hiddink BS.  And please don't say Juergen Klinsmann either because if he had wanted the job, it would've been his so don't factor him into your well-thought out beer-goggled equation.

semiPRO:  What I want from Bob, to answer your probing question, is a national team that I can take pride in. The way this team walks onto the field is a shame, which brings me to your follow-up question. First, if I were going to go pie-in-the-sky, wouldn't it be Pep Guardiola? But yes, focusing on someone who would actually take the job, I think it's time to bring in a foreign coach as the only domestic option is Dominic Kinnear and he was born in Scotland. Jason Kreis may also have the chops, but he's still too green to take over the national team.  Going across the pond to Europe, how about Martin O'Neill, who had modest success with Aston Villa, a side that finished 16 points worse this year after he resigned?  And I'm ruling out a Dutch coach in protest of the U-20s this year (see: Rongen, Thomas) and the crap being played at Toronto FC under Aron Winter.  So, after talking to myself about this in the mirror for hours, I think the obvious answer is Marcelo Bielsa, who got Chile to overachieve in the World Cup in 2010 and who the U.S. Soccer Federation already talked to this year.  Here’s a question for you:  Should the unthinkable (in your mind at least) happen, would you want another American coach or is it time to switch things up and go foreign?

CONrad:  Go foreign?  Are you crazy?  I have the car I want and I have no interest in trading in my reliable, yet predictable, American-made model for some unknown foreign brand that may or may not fall apart the day after I get it.  My awesome analogy aside, if the foreign coaches who managed teams in Major League Soccer can't make it work (Ruud Gullit, Carlos Alberto Parriera, Walter Zenga, etc., to name a few), then how are they going to piece it together for our National Team, which has many unseen layers of politics that require much-needed diplomacy to make the program a well-oiled machine.  Is some foreigner going to buy into the existing status quo like an American would?  Because that status quo is apparently what scared away Juergen Klinsmann.  But I'll be honest, I'm just humoring you with this give-and-take because I think they should make Bob the coach for life, like they did with John Harkes when they named him, "Captain For Life."  He's earned it.  Do I need to go over what Bob has accomplished again?

semiPRO:  An American has to buy into the status quo because there's no other choice. The same way you would have had to buy a Chevy or a Ford in 1956, Bob has no foreign options. As a result, he can't tell Sunil, "Actually, stuff your four-year contract, I'm gonna go give England a shot." Foreigners like Juergen and Ruud have a plethora of opportunities, like consulting for Toronto or coaching a mid-rate Russian club. It's been proven the right guy can work as just a third of the MLS Cup winners were coached by someone who was born in the States and Sigi Schmid, Bob Gansler, Peter Nowak, Steve Nicol, and Dominic Kinnear have ingrained themselves in the U.S. soccer system, but who's to say others can't do so as well?  I do appreciate your honesty, though. I really thought this was an elaborate scheme to announce your candidacy to become player/captain/coach of the national team. Did I see through your charade or are you too politically incorrect for the job?

CONrad:  You’ll have to speak to my lawyer from here on out because I have no further comment at this time.

The rankings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:

1.  Each player is rated on a sliding scale of musical genius with a “5” being this:

And a “1” being this:

2.  Creed was a very, very close second to Nickelback.

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THE STARTERS

Tim Howard (3.5) – Guns N’ Roses 

Yelled at anyone who was in the path of his wrath but maybe could’ve done more on the first goal.  And yes, we know we’re being picky but this is Tim Howard we are talking about.

Carlos Bocanegra (3) – Pennywise  

The captain had a mosh pit-like hit, which led to his yellow card, late in the second half when the U.S. was chasing the game but could never make any mainstream influence on the outcome.  Our collaborative vote is to move him back into the middle.

Clarence Goodson (3) – Ben Harper

Gave us an incredible encore by scoring the goal to give us a legitimate chance to tie the game before being subbed out but the main performance could’ve used a little more punch. 

Tim Ream (2) – Right Said Fred 

Everyone agrees that his feet and composure on the ball are too sexy but let’s hope he’s more than a flash in the pan.  He needs to pick his game up because he’s not an unknown underdog anymore.  There are expectations now.

Steve Cherundolo (4) – Metallica

The savvy veteran held down his side of the field defensively and pushed the pace of the game on the attacking end in an attempt to counter Panama’s deliberate defensive strategy of slowing it down but his crosses left us and his teammates wanting more from a player of his caliber.

Michael Bradley (3) – Britney Spears 

The bossy bald beast lacked his normal influence on the game that we have come to know and love but he still had an assist and intimidated the opponents and his teammates with equal aplomb.

Jermaine Jones (2) – David Hasselhoff 

Big in Germany but not readily accepted or respected in the States until he can prove he can do it on a consistent basis like he does for Blackburn in the English Premier League.  Also, his tantrum after he was subbed out mirrored his performance on the field – much ado about nothing.

Landon Donovan (3) – Maroon 5 

Unfortunately, he was more flash than substance this game with uninspired set piece attempts and a general malaise that seemed to envelop the whole team until the first U.S. goal.

Clint Dempsey (4) – Eminem 

A constant threat for every venture into the attacking third for the U.S. but couldn’t get on the end of one versus the Panamanians.  It’s clear that if we want to win the tourney, then the real Slim Shady is going to have put one in the back of the net when we need him to most.

Juan Agudelo (3) - Hanson 

Had a great start to his very young National Team career but doesn’t seem to have the same energy or confidence that he did at the beginning.  Maybe his voice is changing.

Jozy Altidore (3) – The Artist Formerly Known As Prince 

Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes we’re not sure he’s on the same planet as everyone else.

----------------------

Subs:

Chris Wondolowski (1) – William Hung 

As his MLS scoring prowess over the last few years indicates, Wondo finds himself in good spots to finish goals but his miss from a few yards out that was put on a silver platter by Jozy Altidore was botched with William Hung-like execution.

Sasha Kljestan (4) – ZZ Top 

A solid performance, highlighted by his patience on the ball and link-up play, that was sullied only by unfortunate facial hair.

Alejandro Bedoya (4) – Van Halen

Immediately made an impact with his energy, spandex, and running off the ball, which provided a huge shift in momentum that should have led to the US tying the match.

The ratings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:

1.  Each player is rated on a sliding scale of female hotness with a “5” being her:

And a “1” being her:

2.  We tried to keep the ratings within the boundaries of reason and common sense since we were only playing Canada.  The key word being, "tried."

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The Starters:

Goalkeeper Tim Howard (4) - Michelle Pfeiffer (in Scarface)

Mr. Howard was not called on often but was stunning when needed. His lack of action made the great saves even more impressive.

Carlos Bocanegra (3) – Carmen Electra

Charles Blackmouth was consistently in the right position to please his teammates but had trouble always making the right decisions on the ball.

Clarence Goodson (4) - Megan Fox

Clarence made a couple of blockbuster plays but on a few instances offered up a few head-scratching decisions.

Tim Ream (3) - Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (from the new Transformers movie)

Not many people outside of the Major League Soccer community knows who this promising centerback is but everyone soon will. He looked very comfortable in the center of defense with Goodson but still needs to be less naive in his positioning.

Steve Cherundolo (4) - Elle MacPherson

Not as young and fast as he used to be, but still looks as good (or better) than his younger foes. The speedy Canadian winger Josh Simpson was ably contained.

Michael Bradley (4) - Molly Ringwald

Not everyone enjoys an attractive redhead but those who do love Molly Ringwald.  He turned in a solid performance with an incredible work-rate with his offensive presence being felt as much as his stopping ability.  If one of his multiple shots had found the net, this rating would have been a solid 5.

Jermaine Jones (3) - Kourtney Kardashian

Not as appealing as his siblings but looked more comfortable than in previous matches for the US. Occasionally gave away possession but worked hard to regain it afterward. Ran out of gas (or took a knock) before the 80th minute.

Landon Donovan (5) - Gisele Bündchen

LD is consistently the best looking model even when surrounded with other super models. His pass to set up Altidore for his goal is the stuff that wet dreams are made of!

Clint Dempsey (4) - Julia Roberts

You know what you are getting when Dempsey is in the lineup:  He scored a great goal and always flashes an incredible smile.

Juan Agudelo (3) - Hilary Duff

Very dangerous on offense but just couldn't quite put the ball in the net. He had several close calls, however, that show a very promising future.

Jozy Altidore (4) - Paris Hilton

Aspires to be something he may never attain but what he provides has widespread appeal. His goal was taken with confidence with Donovan's pass providing the bulk of the opportunity.

----------------------

The Subs:

Chris Wondolowski (2) - Sara Gilbert

Wondo worked hard by turning in a workman-like performance but did little more than draw defenders away to create space for the likes of Dempsey and Donovan.

Sasha Kljestan (3) - Tracey Ullman's Chic character in Tracey Takes On...

Solid performance sullied only by unfortunate facial hair.

Maurice Edu (3) - Maura Tierney from ER

Replaced Jones and there was no drop-off in performance.

(Special JimmyConrad.com Correspondent Todd Stevens sat down with U.S. Men’s National Team Coach, Bob Bradley, prior to the U.S.’ opening match of the 2011 CONCACAF Gold Cup versus Canada)

TS:  Thanks for meeting with JC.Com, Bob, we really appreciate it.

BB:  Thanks for having me.

TS:  In preparation for this interview, I took the liberty of Googling your name and I have to say, I found some pretty interesting stuff.  You don’t seem very tall but my research revealed that you played basketball at Princeton.

BB:  I didn’t play basketball.  I played soccer at Princeton.

TS:  That is not what the Google said.  It even said you played professionally and were in some hall of fame.  It is just what I read.

BB:  Well, it was soccer, so that is cleared up.

TS:  It is kind of cleared up.  I’ll continue.  When did you decide to become a senator, a U.S. Senator from New Jersey to be specific, and were you excited to receive the Democratic Party’s nomination for President in 2000?

BB:  Todd, I think you were reading about Bill Bradley, I am Bob Bradley, the head coach for the U.S. Men’s National Team.  I have never been a senator.

TS:  Got it, I am tracking now. Were you upset when Jürgen Klinsmann was given the head coaching job for the U.S. Men’s National Team?  Did he call you?

BB:  I got the job.

TS:  Did you call him?

BB:  No, I didn’t call him.

TS:  You didn’t call?  Does it have anything to do with Klinsmann being German?

BB:  No, nothing to do with him being German.

TS:   We have put that subject to bed.  Let’s move on to your family.  I understand you have a son, Michael, who plays soccer somewhere and a daughter that makes purses.  I have a daughter who just graduated from high school and she received a Vera Bradley clutch purse as a gift from a friend.  Did your daughter Vera play soccer when she was a kid or was she into basketball like you?

BB:  Yes, Michael plays for Aston Villa in England and I also coach him on the national team.  Vera Bradley is not related to me, although my wife does have a Vera Bradley wallet.

TS:  I was reading this morning in The Financial Times that Vera Bradley, Inc. reported first quarter net revenues rose 19% to $101.4 million compared to $85.0 million in the same period last year.  Net income fell to $11.2 million or 28 cents per diluted share compared to 16.8 million or 47 cents.  Would you consider a few shares of Vera Bradley stock?

BB:  Todd, I don’t want to sound rude, but can we get back to soccer.  You mentioned my son, Michael.  He is enjoying a very healthy career overseas and here with the national team.  He has shown what hard work can bring and I am very proud of his accomplishments.

TS:  Sorry, Bob, I was just a little nervous at the beginning of this, again, sorry.

BB:  OK. Let’s start over.

TS:  Great, you mentioned your son, Michael.  I noticed that neither of you have a heck of a lot of hair.  Are there other relatives who suffer from male pattern baldness?  Further, do you think that having less hair makes a player faster?

(The interview was stopped when Bob Bradley rose from his chair, removed the microphone from his polo, and announced he had an appointment.)

Detroit, MI – Under the pretenses of a team meeting to watch some video for their upcoming opponents in the 2011 CONCACAF Gold Cup, U.S. Men’s National Team head coach, Bob Bradley, dupes his players into a visit from a hypnotist.

“So look, we all understood the challenges of facing a great team like Spain when we put them on our schedule a few days from the start of a very important Gold Cup for us and we paid for it,” explained the coach in a rare moment of candor.  “I now have 6 players who are ecstatic they didn’t step on the field for the 4-0 loss and the rest of the players feeling thoroughly embarrassed.  I need them to forget that the game ever happened.”

His sentiments were echoed by his son/U.S. midfielder, Michael Bradley, “If we expect to win the Gold Cup like my dad and I talked about over dinner with my adopted brother, Jonny Bornstein, then we have to do the little things that we didn’t do against Spain.  Like starting me, for instance.”

Coming off as the Veruca Salt character from the movie, Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, is nothing new for the younger Bradley but it’s the least of his worries.

“I don’t smile and I don’t hug my dad in public so if this hypnotist tries to make me smile or hug my dad, then I’m going to throw a tantrum of epic proportions.  Not even a Brad Guzan goalkeeper glove in my mouth can stop me.”

This report was filed by JC.Com intern Todd Stevens, who is following the U.S. team throughout their run in the 2011 CONCACAF Gold Cup.  He is currently unpaid but we're looking to bring him on for minimum wage in the near future.

Dear Readers Of This Blog (if we have any left),

Due to some tumultuous tension and turmoil during labor negotiations between management (me) and the entire JimmyConrad.com staff (*cough* those ungrateful bastards *cough*), I am pleased to announce that we have avoided a lockout or strike and we are now on course (scrambling) to bring you top quality reporting from the 2011 Gold Cup.

(I mean, I’m not bitter or anything but if you think the memo I sent around asking the work force to wear Hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, and Birkenstocks for Friday Fun Days is too much to ask, then please don’t fill out an application.)

On tap for your reading pleasure over the next few weeks is the following: JC.Com intern and U.S. Soccer super fan, Todd Stevens, embedded with the media corps (he’s partial to Fox Sports’ Ives Galarcep over the Washington Post’s Steven Goff) as they follow the U.S. team around the country, exclusive Q & As with players and coaches, unending dissection of what is right and what is wrong with the world U.S. head coach Bob Bradley has created, behind-the-scenes stories not fit to print in other respectable publications, and much, much more.

So stay tuned in to the site for all of the latest scoop and please accept my warm embrace as I welcome you back to the newly revamped JimmyConrad.com.  We’ve missed you.

Jimmy