By The Skipper

(** - Names have been changed to protect the innocent)

With all eyes and ears turned towards various conference calls that only hold the start of another MLS season in the balance, it’s easy to forget that the players are out there training. As with every year in camps, there are surprises with new players forcing their way into starting lineups and old players starting to show the signs of the onset of their age.

However, as Columbus ramps up for its upcoming CONCACAF Champions League quarterfinal match against Toluca, they experienced the biggest shock of all: Hankie Frejduk** failed the beep test.

Renowned for his fitness despite turning 36 later this summer, Frejduk was caught off guard with this year’s version. In the offseason, Crew head coach Wobert Rarzycha** claimed his side was shockingly bounced out in the first round of the playoffs because his team wasn’t listening to him. Or, he claims, they couldn’t. As a result, a hearing test was implemented this spring.

“Look brah, I saw the beep test scheduled and knew that was like a day off for me,” Frejduk told JC.com over a hot-tall-skinny-upside-down with whip caramel macchiato. “I make that thing my bitch even with the national team. But hearing? Dude, some of those beeps were so high only a dog could hear them.”

Granted with Frejduk’s long locks he can resemble a wet dog during rainy games. Nevertheless, the result was unexpected.

“Maybe it’s from paddling around in the ocean too long and having too much of that briny goodness splash around in my ear canal,” Frejduk continued. “Or maybe I cranked up ‘Buffalo Soldier’ too loud one too many times. Who knows? But I know I’m still fitter than Wobert even if I can’t hear him.”

For his part, the Crew boss felt like it was a successful endeavor.

“Now I know who to talk to on the field at the end of games,” Rarzycha explained. “As much as people tout Brian Carroll’s ability to break up plays, they don’t understand that he has a highly acute sense of hearing. In fact, we didn’t until this month. Now I know I don’t have to give away my strategy by yelling my instructions. I can practically whisper and BC will hear me no matter where he is.”

It remains to be seen if this development will help the Crew knock out Toluca over the course of the next two weeks.  

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of The Skipper, and not of the Jimmy Conrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad.  If you want The Skipper to hear your thoughts, he can be reached at theskipper@jimmyconrad.com.

By Dr. Soccer

In an attempt to get more scoop on Jimmy Conrad, I phoned a variety of confidantes in his life to find out what troubles this talented young man.  I suppose I could’ve asked him myself but I’m not that kind of doctor.  Plus, I think it’s wholly more enjoyable to talk to his friends and family.  They are a pleasant bunch.  Here’s what I came up with:

THE TOP 5 THINGS THAT JIMMY CONRAD IS AFRAID OF

“I think it’s an urban myth but the story about how each person swallows two spiders a year when they sleep really freaks him out. Also, at home, I have to do all the squashing.  It’s incredible to watch all the alpha-male testosterone leave his body when they’re crawling around.” – Jimmy’s wife

- The Bridges Of Madison County

“I’ve told him time and time again what a great book and movie it is but he says the visual he gets in his head of Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood doing it is too much for him to bear and he refuses to hear any more of it.” – Jimmy’s mom

- Tyra Banks  

“He cringes every time she opens her mouth.  I tell him, ‘Dude, she is totally the next Oprah,’ which makes him shudder.  Since I know it bothers him so much, I do what any good sibling would do and try to bring her up as much as possible.” – Jimmy’s brother

- Books By Dan Brown

“Jimmy always goes on and on about the short chapters and how they are written for people who enjoy NASCAR.  No, wait, Jimmy doesn’t think that, I do.” – Jimmy’s dad

- Televangelists

“I have a soft spot in my heart for Billy Graham, God bless the wax caricature he calls a body these days, but my little Jimmy was always afraid that these sweaty-cheap-suit-wearing-used-car-salesmen, who are playing on the fears of the masses for power, could be right with their emotional orations.” – Jimmy’s grandma

(Editor’s Note:  We know this is two weeks late.  Thanks for your concern, William “Bill” Ford)

Just like in elementary school, we, being the staff of JimmyConrad.com, were encouraged to give our fellow employees a Valentine’s Day card as a way of showing each other that somebody out there cares (if they’re forced to). Now, there was no ill will intended in the proposed gesture, but unfortunately for all the staff here, it brought up some painful memories of Valentine’s Day past.  These memories are hard to relive, but as is our way, we are willing to share our personal pain and anguish for the benefit of the readers of our website.  Please enjoy these recollections of failed love and humiliation.

JROCK

Allison O’Reilly, Rebecca Mitchell, Sarah White, Stephanie Whitehurst, Natalie Watson, Cara Clark, Nicole Zimmerman, Jennifer Keller, Rachel Brown, and Maria Sanderson.  My advice is don’t piss off an entire cheerleading team; they may just decide to pepper your high school with fliers that say you put the “VD” in Valentine’s Day.

Fanista

I may be the Fanista, but I’m not fan of Sarah Cunningham - she broke my heart in 11^th grade.   I asked Sarah to the Valentine’s Day social and when I showed up at her house to pick her up on my GT Mach One (I had pegs on the back), she had a mysterious bout with the flu.  I later heard she went to the dance with the football captain, Robbie Mattison.  The jokes on her though, because from what I hear she’s happily married, rich, and has a wonderful life with Robbie…..that’s what all my single homeless friends at AA tell me anyway.

The Skipper

Fortunately, The Skipper’s worst Valentine’s Day doesn’t include Tom Cruise, but it does feature the (still, at that time) lovely Kelly McGillis.  Having already been complimented by my girlfriend’s mom on the roses I picked up because they “weren’t going to die the next day like the bouquet my husband bought for me at a gas station last year” -- my roses were indeed bought at a gas station -- we were off to see a play at the National Shakespeare Theater.  I don’t remember the play, other than it was long and dull, so let’s fast-forward three hours to leaving the parking garage.  As the girlfriend was saying something to me, Kelly McGillis stepped out from between two vans right in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, stopping just inches from “Charlie’s” right knee. Unluckily, the girlfriend was leaning forward and her face did not stop inches from the dashboard.  I drove her home as her eye began to swell.  The relationship didn’t last as long as those gas station flowers.

Dr. Soccer

I met Margaret Wilson in medical school.  We had been dating several months and on Valentine’s Day, I planned to propose.  As doctors we took the Hippocratic Oath, which extends to the ethics of practicing medicine, but, unfortunately for me, not the ethics of my best friend Carl, whom I discovered playing doctor with Margaret.  For some reason, since that fateful day, I haven’t been into Valentine’s Day or the board game, Operation.

Know-It-All Jones 

Trust me, the worst ******* Valentine’s Day known to the male species and I have the scar to prove it.

Head Of Security Randy Thorpe

I remember her like it was yesterday....her name was Drill Sergeant Patterson.  We met during basic training.  Every time she told me to drop and give her 20, my heart would skip a beat.  Sadly, I shipped out on Valentine’s Day, never telling her how I felt about her.  To this day, every time I do a set of push-ups, I get a semi.

Receptionist Gail Sands

I met my high school sweetheart on Valentine’s Day when we were just kids.  We fell in love, got married, and had beautiful children together.  Naturally, Valentine’s Day has always held a special place in our hearts and each year on February 14th, we always take the time to tell each other something nice about the other.  However, this year, Robert told me the most peculiar thing.  He said I had the loveliest dresses, which I didn’t think much of until he added that he enjoyed wearing them with my undergarments and that he preferred to be called Roberta.  I didn’t know what to say then and I don’t know what to say now.  I, um, I need a smoke.  This interview is over. Where are my cigarettes?

Pianist Matthew Petrosa

Have you heard of forbidden love?  Well, when I was a pimply sixteen year-old I experienced such a thing.  The apple of my eye was named Mrs. Hastings and she was my eighty-four year-old piano teacher.  Before you judge me, let me assure you there wasn’t anything her wrinkly magical hands couldn’t do that a younger woman could.  She knew all the keys to my heart and we were in love.  I owe everything that I am as a pianist and as a man to that octogenarian.  We planned to run away (or as fast as her Jazzy scooter could go) and live in a retirement home in Florida, but it never happened.  My true love passed away on the Valentine’s Day before we could buy our airline tickets with her saved up Social Security checks.  Now on February 14, I play “our song” (‘Let’s Get It On’ by Marvin Gaye) and think of her fondly.

Umberto Zappia

Valentine’s Day, a year or two ago, I happened upon the set of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” and watched a scene with actress Julianne Nicholson.  As she got into character and spoke her lines, I wondered what I would say if I could get close enough to talk to her.  Maybe something like this:  “If you’re going to frisk me, then you might want to look in my front pockets because I have some thing in there you might be interested in."   Not long after my practice run, my dream became a reality, and security escorted me off the premises. 

Intern Todd Stevens

I like women; I’ve always liked women despite what some people may have said to the contrary.  I am definitely straight, but when I was in high school there were these weird rumors about me because on Valentine’s Day I sent all the guys on the water polo, baseball, and debate team a Valentine’s Day card.  It’s ridiculous that innocently asking if they wanted to get together sometime to go play putt-putt and share a milkshake could be misconstrued as anything other than just trying to make friends.  Jocks…can’t live with them, can’t fantasize without them.

Yesterday, an enthusiastic intern, Todd Stevens, published an unauthorized post discussing sensitive matters related to Jimmy Conrad and our operation. I stress the post was unauthorized and therefore should be considered wholly inaccurate.

The Associated Press (AP) is reporting Jimmy Conrad is suffering from upper respiratory symptoms, nothing could be farther from the truth, he is fine and watching TV (Wendy Williams) as I write this.

I am prepared to confirm a visit by a few key members of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to our office just two days ago. The visit is being categorized as a coincidence and has nothing to do with the dead rat found in the basement of our headquarters. The rat died of natural causes and let's face it, it was just a rat.

William "Bill" Ford

By Intern Todd Stevens

Jimmy Conrad is suffering from an undisclosed sickness, apparently something that requires lots of NyQuil, so us staff have been quarantined until further notice.  We consider the whole situation a mix of jury duty and traffic school and we are being kept in a room without windows.  I am not at liberty to go into more detail.

If something new isn't posted on the blog in the next 36 hours, then please call 911.

Thank you.

A review of recent British history reveals case after case of mediocre results from hat making to not qualifying for Euro 2008. Constantly settling seems to have made base camp in the marrow of England. Maybe they have been around so long they just don't have the strength to go on.

From my research, it appears the downward slide took place during the Revolutionary War with mistakes made by General Barry St. Leger(sounds like a name on the credits of an adult film). I don't remember how he dropped the ball, but he did, and we won. (I know it doesn't have anything to do with Lewis and Clark because they kicked ass.) General St. Leger set the tone for a downward slide from which they have never recovered.

Frankly, I am kind of sick of giving so much stick to the British for sending over coaches to spread their second place philosophy to our fans and more importantly our kids. We can ruin our kids faster and better anyway.

I must give credit where credit is due. The British can make music. I don't know how they do it, but they do, and consistently, it would be impossibe to argue. Band after band. Personal taste aside, they have placed forever in the consciousness of the world:  The Beatles, The Who, it makes no sense to continue the endless list,(The Style Council, The Smiths, Lloyd Cole, The Clash, Big Audio Dynamite, Graham Parker, Phoenix(French)Joe Jackson, Billy Bragg-except for the work he did with Wilco, I am not smart enough or cool enough to understand anything Wilco does.)

So England, keep bringing the music, thanks much, keep your footie and watch us win it all before you.

Picked up off of wire services from the Associated Press

February 15, 2010 - Employees at the local Chuck E. Cheese in Overland Park, Kansas swear it was a miracle.

“So this guy comes in,” explains Zach Dierson, the employee near the entrance who, in accordance with President Bush’s No Child Left Behind Act, issues similar hand stamps to families so nobody leaves without their kid.  “I don’t know, late-20’s, unkempt hair, cool retro t-shirt, jeans, and he’s walking around like he owns the joint.”

Cook Ricky Rosaia, who specializes in making pizza that tastes like cardboard, echoed his co-worker’s sentiments, stating “So this friggin’ yahoo goes to the change machine, pulls out a wad of cash, I’m talkin’ a roll, rubber band around it and everything, and only changes a dollar.  Four friggin’ tokens.  His, uh, what’s the sayin’ I’m lookin’ for, uh, body, uh, body language, yeah.  His body language makes me want to punch his friggin’ face in.”

After collecting his gold tokens out of the cup, which houses more bacteria than an old Petri dish, witnesses say the unnamed man slalomed through the miniature masses toward the back of the establishment and froze in front of the Skee-Ball section. “He stood there, for like, twenty minutes, like, just staring,” said aspiring prom queen, Melanie LeDoux (who was busy texting while conducting this interview so her concept of time, and the real world in general, could be off).

According to a higher-up at Chuck E. Cheese, who preferred to remain anonymous, the mysterious man then proceeded to put a token into the third Skee-Ball machine from the left and smiled.  He did a few stretches, mainly arm and shoulder exercises, took the first wooden ball out of the chute, and gracefully bowled it up the brown inclined ramp.  It jumped off the lip of the ramp, caromed off the top net, and settled into the tiny cup that was marked with the 1000 point score, which is the highest score you could attain with one ball.  With his remaining seven balls, he hit the same spot seven times for a perfect score of 8000 (A new high of excellence at this particular franchise).

As sirens went off, all sets of eyes in the restaurant turned in his direction and re-used confetti from a previous birthday party showered down around him.  He patted himself on the back and a little girl approached him for an autograph.  He signed his name to her napkin and added “12” underneath as was his custom and the whispers began, “It’s Jimmy Conrad.  Jimmy Conrad is here.”

He bent down to gather up his winnings (250 tickets) and, like many of the kids in the surrounding area, skipped over to the booth to make a purchase.  He settled on a 4-inch tall green army man with a parachute strapped to its back.

“He handed the rest of his tickets to the kid next to him,” said star-struck booth operator, Debbie Bagnold, “and told him, ‘Don’t spend it all in one place,’ which is hilarious since this is the only place he could spend the tickets.”

Assistant Manager Robert Stevenson added, “Jimmy Conrad is a legend, plain and simple.  I wish he would stop by more often.”

By The JC.Com Staff

(Early this morning, a new feature was about to make its debut.  As it was about to be posted, a production assistant mentioned it was Jimmy's birthday. "It is February 12th, isn't it?"  She was right, the new feature, "What if Ezra Pound Played Soccer?" would have to wait.)

There have been stories about a bright star that appeared over the hospital the night Jimmy Conrad was born.  What do I know? I know that Jimmy was born on February 12, 1977 in Biloxi, MS. His family, including the family German Shepard, owned, and worked in a coal mine.  As a toddler Jimmy showed a natural gift for mining coal and was encouraged by his sixteen brothers and sisters to work harder as they could relax more if Jimmy continued to put up prodigious numbers.

When Jimmy was fourteen, diasaster struck.  The coal mine was forced to close as everyone got sick of mining coal, fear of the Black Lung and being underground all the time were the main reasons. Jimmy Conrad was forced to change focus and began playing the clarinet.  He threw himself in to playing 15 to 25 minutes one day a week.

(Due to time constraints, we are forced to skip details which formed Jimmy's life from fourteen to present.)

Today, Jimmy is a successful, kind of a tall person, quick to laugh or chew someone out for not being good looking enough. He is capable of great compassion, he once gave a friend a ride to the grocery store and didn't ask for gas money.

Many people share a February 12th birthday, but there is only one Jimmy "Conradical" Conrad.

By Know-It-All Jones

After months of bull****, head of security for JC.Com Headquarters and my personal parole officer, Randy Thorpe, has informed me that my Jimmy Conrad-imposed sentence has been reduced due to excessive bouts of good behavior so I, again, am ready to write how I want and when I want and today I’m going to tackle one of my favorite subjects:  Things That I Really ******* Love.  So here you go...

THINGS THAT I REALLY ******* LOVE

- Player Ejections From Sporting Events

Did you think I would let this one slip by un-********-noticed?  My boss, Jimmy Conrad, the relentless ******* hero in his own mind, gets a red card in his big chance to make a good impression on the coaches who select the team for the World Cup? Is there anything ******* funnier than that?

And what about the referee, Benito Archundia, who gave him two yellow cards without a ******* warning even though Jimmy was the captain and the U.S. team was playing at home?  The guy is my ******* idol!  I sent him a fan letter but I have received no response just yet.

I also took the time to write a fair and balanced letter to our head of merchandise here at JC.com, Jordan Romanelli, and asked him to start printing up shirts that have a picture of Benito Archundia and read, “Killing the hopes and dreams of players one card at a time.”  Again, I have received no ******* response.  What the ****, man?  Doesn’t anyone want to listen to what I have to say?

- Fox Soccer Channel

How about these mother******?  They put a little “HD” tab in the top right corner of the screen when you’re watching a game so it seems like you’re catching all the action in "High Definition" but you’re not because they haven’t switched over.  They clearly think we are a bunch of ******* idiots but I love them for ******* trying.

- Tim Tebow

Is this guy for ******* real?  He’s a Heisman Trophy winner, he’s good looking, he’s God’s BFF, and he’s 27 times the man Jimmy Conrad is.  What’s not to ******* love?

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, Know-It-All Jones, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who, after a threat of a lawsuit, let Mr. Jones off of his short leash.  For any comments on what you ******* love, Know-It-All Jones can be reached at K-I-A-J@jimmyconrad.com.