After being escorted off the premises of JC.com Headquarters last week for my alleged altercation with pianist, Matthew Petrosa, who plays piano in the lobby during break time, I knew the perception of me would have to change. I knew, as I was being aggressively pushed from behind out the revolving door of the building, past the bronze statue of Jimmy Conrad and into the parking lot, that the malfeasance that I was being accused of was only somewhat true. The disciplinary committee stated that I “heckled Mr. Petrosa incessantly for three days straight and spat in his general direction after Mr. Petrosa disclosed that he didn’t know how to play Haydn Symphony No. 34 in d minor.” Here is my side of the story: I was first introduced to our in-house pianist, Matthew, a few weeks ago by receptionist Gail Sands and she went out of her way to build the guy up. She kept going on and on that he could do this and he was currently playing here and in front of sold-out crowds like I care. I don’t. I leaned over her desk and whispered, “Gail, stop. Please. I don’t care.” Like most interactions I engage in, Gail was left speechless and upset. Noticing a difference in Gail’s body language, Matthew recoiled from the smile he was boasting during Gail’s over-the-top lovefest, and then we locked eyes. I tried to go in for the hug and ease the tension but he wasn’t buying what I was selling and frankly, I wasn’t buying it either. I hate hugs. “So, Mr. Big Shot, do you think you know everything there is to know about playing piano?” I asked. He politely countered with, “I’d like to think I have a good idea of what’s going on.” I looked him up and down for about twenty to thirty seconds, smirked, and said, “You have no ******* idea,” and walked away. In the following weeks during break time and leading up to my suspension, I would make requests of symphonies I favored but Matthew wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence or play the music that brought me inner ******* peace. My public appeal: Wouldn’t that make you mad? Wouldn’t you heckle the mother****** until he did play something you wanted to hear? Am I the bad guy here? Do I deserve a two-week suspension without pay? **** this.

The views and opinions expressed in this lame attempt to sway the public are those of the author’s, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for a suspended one) or of Jimmy Conrad. You can read the Disciplinary Committee's formal announcement here.

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