The Movie Lover's Player Ratings For The U.S. v...

The rankings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:

1.  Each player is rated on a sliding scale of movie greatness with a “5” being this:

And a “1” being this:

2.  If you don’t think “The Big Lebowski” is a “5,” then maybe you should go get your player evaluations from somewhere else.

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STARTERS: 

Tim Howard (2.5)

While not all the goals were his fault, the standard that Mr. Howard has set makes it unconscionable that he would give up two goals, the first and third from the Mexicans, without having his feet set to react properly.  In short, we love you, Tim, but we needed more for us to have a legitimate chance in the game.

Eric Lichaj (2.5)

A tale of two parts: the first (where he started as a left back) was a compelling view; the second part began when Cherundolo's exit marked his moving to the right side of defense. Eventually, he was fully exposed, standing in front of a mirror talking to himself.

Carlos Bocanegra (2)

Finally facing a formidable opponent for the first time in the 2011 Gold Cup, our captain tried to slaughter every Mexican player and attack down by himself.  In a game where we needed to be disciplined and organized to frustrate the opposition, we were anything but and as a center back that is the most important part of your job.

Clarence Goodson (2)

Another U.S. defender culpable for our lack of organization, Clarence wasn’t solely responsible for any particular goal scored against us but he didn’t make any plays to ebb the Mexican flow.  In short, he witnessed a really good game and, we could argue, had the best seat in the house.

Steve Cherundolo (NR)

By far, the best and most consistent U.S player throughout the 2011 Gold Cup, whose presence was sorely missed after an assassination attempt on his ankle by someone from own team.  Also, this hasn’t been confirmed but we heard that there was a severed horse’s head in teammate Jermaine Jones’ bed this morning.

Michael Bradley (2.5)

His goal was a twist not many saw coming, which overshadowed a performance that lacked any control.  After going up 2-0, we needed to stay compact and keep it that way until halftime where we could’ve regrouped and made the proper tactical adjustments instead of trying to make it 3-0.  Both Mexican goals prior to the conclusion of the first half could have been averted had Bradley been more patient and alert to his surroundings.  Sometimes less is more.

Jermaine Jones (2.5)

At first, he was doing everything right, placing his hands over the hands of the U.S., tackling everything in sight, even his own teammates, to help shape the match.  Later, you felt like you were watching a touching scene until you realized Demi Moore was only making out with Whoopi Goldberg.

Freddy Adu (4)

Yoda once said, “Size matters not.  Look at me.  Judge me by size, do you?”  And Adu proved he now has the maturity and wherewithal to battle the Dark Side (Mexico) in an intergalactic war (The 2011 Gold Cup Final) for supremacy in the universe (The CONCACAF Region).  Our only concern is if this is just a one-off.  Can he do it again…and again and again?

Alejandro Bedoya (3)

Not originally on Bob Bradley's roster, Bedoya proved he is on the cusp of being someone we can count on game in and game out as a sub.  He doesn’t have the sustained presence to be a regular starter yet.

Clint Dempsey (3.5)

With equal parts pace and fury mixed with a few “Are you talkin’ to me?” moments with his Mexican counterparts, his blast off the crossbar in the 2nd half would have leveled the match at 3.

Landon Donovan (4)

Dangerous from start until the final whistle, his performance was visually stunning and expertly acted.

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Subs:

Jonathan Bornstein (1)

Sadly, it was more like, “Dude, where’s the guy I’m supposed to be marking?”

Juan Agudelo (2.5)

In his first real game for the National Team, which wasn’t a friendly or a Gold Cup group game but a true final in a tough atmosphere, he looked his age.  Has the tools but needs more experience.

Sasha Kljestan (3.5)

A late replacement for Adu, Kljestan looked like a new man devoid of unfortunate facial hair. He created a couple late chances but entered the match too late to make a real difference.