The Car Lover's Player Ratings For The U.S. v....
The rankings below should be enjoyed with these two things in mind:
1. Each player is rated on a sliding scale of finely-made automobiles with a “5” being this:
And a “1” being this:
2. Thanks to the car we compared to Tim Howard, we can’t get that damn Bob Seger song out of our head.
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Tim Howard (3.5) – Ford F150
Like a rock, Howard was reliable, trustworthy, and strong. Fortunately, he was not called upon often but, when he was, he dealt with all the crosses in his area, hardly ever dropping into 4-wheel drive, and made a late save, which showed his true towing capacity. Thankfully, he did not have to cart the entire team on his massive shoulders like he usually does.
Eric Lichaj (3.5) – V6 Honda Accord
Left back Lichaj had speed when he needed it and provided a very steady performance over the course of the match. Can he keep it up versus a much better opponent in front of 100,000 fans on Saturday?
Carlos Bocanegra (3) – Mercury Sable
As a player, “Captain Carl” had a dream game, which was no pressure from the other team on either side of the ball, but from a fan’s perspective, it was boring as shit. Of course, boring as shit wins matches but it would be nice to see him break a sweat.
Clarence Goodson (3) – Ford Aerostar Minivan
Much like his center back counterpart, Clarence had the capacity to do more but never had to get it out of first gear, which left us who witnessed the affair to wonder, “Wait, Clarence played?”
Steve Cherundolo (4.5) – '67 Mustang
Classic, elegant, and still able to get on it when needed, Cherundolo was the pace setter on the right side. He was constantly in the right position on defense and his excellent cross in the first half should have resulted in the first goal of the match. His current playing level is definitely a notch above everyone else.
Michael Bradley (3) – '75 Chevrolet Monte Carlo
Not the best 90 minutes of the tournament for the coach’s son but his engine never quit, which is the quintessential element of American-made muscle.
Jermaine Jones (3) – Sherman Tank
JJ barreled into tackles, which made for a less-than-attractive outing, but he did well getting the job done. If he was still stinging from having his first international goal being taken away earlier this week against Jamaica (it was ruled to be an own goal), it did not show.
Sasha Kljestan (2) – A Modified VW Beetle
Sasha has had a great run during this tournament to potentially cement his name as someone Bob can count on in the future but his performance on this day was not the stuff dreams are made of. With a few tweaks here or there, he will be back doing what he does best soon-- which apparently does not include shaving.
Alejandro Bedoya (3) – Lexus ES
350
While not the fastest car on the road, Bedoya held his own on the wing and was tireless
 in his pursuit for perfection.
Clint Dempsey (4) – 2011 Dodge Charger
Explosive when he had to be, Dempsey once again put the ball in the net when the stakes were high. Landon Donovan's pass made the play but Dempsey did what he had to when the ball arrived.
Juan Agudelo (2.5) – Pontiac Fiero
Looking sleek and agile from the opening gun, the youngster was sometimes overmatched as the race wore on. He did well on Cherundolo's cross in the first half, narrowly missing out on his first goal of the tournament.
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Subs:
Landon Donovan (4) – Prius
Economical in motion, Donovan's rating on this night only looked Prius-esque when compared to his multitude of Lamborghini past performances. He delivered the pass that led to the goal, proving that even a Prius has a bit of pop when you put your boot to the floor.
Freddy Adu (3.5) - Ford Escape
In much the same way that Ford created the Escape after abandoning the Bronco due to its identification as a vehicle that runs from the police, this Adu looked like an improvement over the previous model. His fantastic ball into space for Donovan provided the catalyst for the goal and he even made the first slide tackle of his National Team career. Maybe everyone should play in a Sunday men’s league in Turkey.
