Following Tuesday afternoon’s press conference where USSF President Sunil Gulati announced he would give America four more years of the Bob Bradley era, I got him to speak exclusively to JC.com, which, on a personal note, I was thankful for since he evaded any and all questions during the official presser like a ninja.

“First of all, I want my coach to be able to look me in the eye,” Gulati candidly explained to JC.com. “Jürgen Klinsmann just can’t do that. He’s way to freaking tall for me, even if I had Tom Cruise’s lifts in. So that was the first reason.”

Gulati then paused as he considered whether to unveil the real reason, which he eventually did with much consternation.

“Okay, it was Paul the Octopus,” the Columbia professor finally blurted out. “Just like how he took the Spanish over the Germans, Paul’s fifth arm reached out and hugged Bob Bradley’s box in a matter of seconds. It was like watching Bob hit Chivas USA on his speed dial whenever he had to name a roster or had an assistant coach position to fill.”

Though Paul was successful in picking games involving the Germans during the World Cup, few feel the eight-armed Nostradamus got this one right.

“My second four years were no walk in the park,” former USMNT coach Bruce Arena told JC.Com. “I used all my good jokes in the first cycle and was reduced to knock-knocks that never got a laugh the second time around. Even Claudio Reyna could barely muster a chuckle in ’06.

“Plus it’s four more years of being hounded by Grant Wahl,” Arena continued. “Who wants that besides Alan Gordon?”

Bradley, however, isn’t expecting to suffer a similar fate leading up to Brazil 2014.

“First of all, Bruce is just jealous he never got to select Kenny Arena for the national team,” Bradley elucidated. “As for the joke thing, I’m not worried. Michael will keep feeding me some hip lingo to keep the guys loose and I’m working on a 14-part handshake with Jesse Marsch that will kill before the Poland game.

“But really, I can’t wait to get down and kick it in Brazil in four years. Because let’s face it, trying to motivate guys in Germany was tough for ol’ Brucey in his second go around. All I’m going to need in Pele’s homeland is a day at the beach and then the promise of another day off for each goal they score. Hell, at that point I could call in Nick Garcia and he’d bag a hat trick!”

When asked how he felt about being picked by an octopus to continue in his job, Bradley snapped a ballpoint pen in half, spilled the ink all over the table, and ran away.

Good thing he's always wearing sweats.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of The Skipper, and not of the Jimmy Conrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad. If you think The Skipper doesn’t deserve four more years, he can be reached at theskipper@jimmyconrad.com.

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