God Explains Himself
It’s been a little over a month since the conclusion of the World Cup and I have been desperate to secure another interview with God after he correctly picked Spain to win it all, which you can read here. I even empowered all of my Catholic, Presbyterian, Southern Baptist, Muslim, Rastafarian, Hindu, Lutheran, Jewish, Buddhist, Mormon, Christian, Jehovah’s Witness, Born Again, and Atheist friends to pray for me in the off-chance my voice wasn’t being heard or if I was speaking in the wrong religious dialect. My simple reasoning being that I heard He casually moves from faith to faith answering the hopes and dreams of His children He deems worthy so I wanted to make sure that I had the majority of my bases covered.
Well in short, it worked, but my newest anxiety stemmed from not knowing whom or what religion to thank. My mom used to tell me during times of great despair that I should thank “my lucky stars that I’m even breathing” so with that in mind I would like to offer a big collective “thank you” to my friends and lucky stars. My second conversation with God in the last three months goes as follows:
Jimmy Conrad: Your Royal Highness, you obviously knew that Spain was going to win the World Cup this year so why did you play coy and make it sound like a prediction when I interviewed you prior to the start of the tournament?
God: Firstly, please do not call me, “Your Royal Highness.” It makes me feel like I’m Princess Leia from that space movie that came out a few eons back. Call me something that’s relevant to your culture, to your people. Secondly, what fun would it be for me and all of the fans of this glorious event if I told you that Spain was going to win, there would’ve been no suspense.
JC: How much control do you have G-Money, say, over the World Cup final?
God: I suppose it depends on how you define “free will” but I’ll admit to placing some ideas into FIFA President Sepp Blatter’s subconscious, who then in turn carried out my (his) orders to the referees. And G-Money? That is considered a name of praise?
JC: Wait, wait, wait, you can’t stop there and then try to change the subject. What did Sepp Blatter tell the referees?
God: You know, James, I’ve always been impressed with your determination and persistence but I have nothing more to offer on the subject other than this: I didn’t want to see a game of this magnitude be subjected to the rash decisions of the referee and give one team a man advantage over another. I wanted the victors to win fair-and-square.
JC: But the referee did eject someone from the game! It was in overtime and it was Johnny Heitinga from the Dutch team.
God: Fine. You’re right. You got me. I wanted to see a Spanish goal and after the Dutch player left the field, Spain scored shortly thereafter. Can you blame me? I told you and your readers that Spain was going to win and I like being right.
JC: But aren’t you always right?
God: What are you a detective now?
God Then Proceeded To Lecture Jimmy On Protocol When Speaking To Him And Vanished. We Are Unaware If We Will Be Able To Land Another Exclusive Sit-Down Interview With Him In The Future.
