An Email Exchange With My New Pen Pal

People,

I have recently been in contact with an old friend and I thought it would be funny to make our private conversations public.  To be honest, it's probably more funny to me than to him but since he signed a waiver, he legally has no leg to stand on, which proves that you should always read what you're signing before you sign it.  Our give-and-take is below.

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Jimmy,

After reading your tweets from JimmyConrad_com, I'm very relieved to see you're not mad at me.  I'm glad we can laugh about this since you know it's nothing personal.  In fact, I like you, we've always gotten along.  Sure there was the incident in January against Honduras, but I swear I had nothing to do with it.  You know the ref was Mexican, right?  Remember that time you punched the guy in the box and I told the official he hit you first?  See...I'm your friend.  So let's move on and I hope what happened yesterday in the Manchester United game won't effect our working relationship and friendship.  I hope not to be seeing you soon.

Your friend,

Red Card

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Red Card,

I don't blame you.  I just blame the circle of friends you hang out with and their rigid interpretations of the rules.

With love,

Jimmy

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Jimmy,

I know my friends can be a little strict with the rules, but from what I remember, you gave them no choice, correct?  I'm just spitballing here, but perhaps you confused futbol with football when you tackled Mr. Berbatov?  

Your Friend,

Red Card

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Red Card,

Since we have officially met in person a few times over the last ten to twelve years, I hope that you would understand and appreciate the mere fact that I don't get easily confused.  I knew exactly what I was doing when I made my challenge on Mr. Berbatov so much so that I purposely tried to sweep the leg from the side like Johnny from "The Karate Kid" with the intent of avoiding a red card if in fact I missed in the ball, which is still up for a debate.

Again, I think you're hanging out with the wrong crowd.  I mean, doesn't it bother you that all you hear is expletives and groans when your BFFs decide to introduce you to others?  It would bother me.

Sincerely,

Jimmy

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Jimmy,

Like anyone else, I appreciate a good Johnny Lawrence reference, but c'mon buddy let it go.  You f*cked up.  You tried to sweep the ball out, but in the process you almost made the visiting Bulgarian a paraplegic.  Also, you're right, we have known each other for a long time, which is why I'm extending you the courtesy of of allowing you to watch the video tape http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ha1jhL2Yfw&feature=fvw and recant.  If you're going to continue to be an a**hole about this, just remember I have the ability to make this a really long season for you.  I don't want that, do you? 

Red Card

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Red Card,

After watching the replay on YouTube, I'll admit that it might have been a penalty kick because I took a nice chunk out of Berbatov as I went for the ball, however, I don't think the tackle was egregious enough to warrant your presence.  If anything, your more popular friend, Yellow Card, might have been a more appropriate person for me to see.  Speaking of which, what's the deal with you two?  Are you married, lovers, or just plutonic friends who lie on top of each other when you're relaxing in the sweaty back pocket of the referee's shorts?  Personally, it sounds a bit Brokeback Mountain-ish to me, which is cool if that's your thing.

Also, you can play the "No comment" card or deflect the issue completely if you'd like but word is spreading so it's probably in your best interest to address it now.  Just a thought.

Jimmy

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Jimmy,

Holy sh*t, did hell just freeze over?  Did you just admit that your tackle was a bit rash and that it’s possible that maybe the great Jimmy Conrad was at fault?  Unbelievable.  So we're in agreement you weren't blameless?  And you know I don't have any say on when I show up to the party, but I don't know why you still had to make this personal.  Yellow Card and I are just friends, we spend a lot of time together in a dark and sweaty cramped space clinging to each other, but it doesn't mean anything.   It's not like I cling to his old beat up jean jacket saying "I can't quit you" or anything.  Don't judge me.

Red Card

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Red Card,

I think the phrase, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” works for both of us in regards to our respective situations:  For me, a penalty kick and subsequent expulsion in front of 52,000 fans, and for you, your intimate relationship with your “friend,” Yellow Card.  So let’s do this, let’s just agree to disagree on the details of what may or may not have happened and go back to not seeing each other again, which I think is for the best since it’s clear you have feelings for someone else.

Good luck with the rest of your life. 

Jimmy