Local Soccer Fan Gets Talked Off The Ledge

(Kansas City, Missouri) – He had known that having his two favorite teams lose on the same day was a distinct possibility but for local resident, Mark Richardson, it was too much to bear.

“My day started innocently enough, Uruguay won as expected, I had my face painted red, white, and blue, I had a great seat for the U.S. – Ghana game at the Power & Light District,” explained Richardson to a throng of reporters outside of the downtown police department following his release on bail.  “But it was hot out, I had a few shots after we gave up the goal in overtime, you know, to dull the pain I was feeling but I felt fine.  It wasn’t like I was going to drive anywhere or anything.”

Security guards in the Living Room area of the Power & Light District in Downtown Kansas City, where thousands of fans had congregated to cheer the U.S. to victory, had a different story.

“I believe it was right when the game ended because everyone was booing that redheaded announcer, calling him ‘Mr. Negative’ and saying ‘bring back the goatee,’ and whatever,” remembered part-time guard Walt Stansiwyck, “but this one guy was losing his mind, yelling stuff, charging through the crowd, making a scene.”

Mr. Stansiwyck’s partner and local NRA member, Lawrence Biggs, concurred, “We have had some incidents at this location before but a civilian decided to take things one step further.”

As described by witnesses, a face-painted man started screaming, “Why the f*** would he do that?  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” while pushing women and children out of the way as he staggered to the main stage to get the attention of the disappointed crowd.

There was no microphone available so he held up a make-believe one, pretended to tap it a few times, and yelled, “Is this thing on?”  Followed by, “Why would a coach change a line-up that played so well the game before?  Someone please tell me why!”

Before the man, now identified as Mark Richardson, could continue his oration, security contained him, took him to their holding compound on the premises, and released him a few hours later after he sobered up.  Upon his discharge, he was overheard mumbling, “My Wizards better do the business tonight.”

According to police reports, following his release from faux-prison, Mr. Richardson got picked up by a friend, went home to wash the paint off of his face, changed from the ‘Dempsey’ U.S. jersey he had on into his baby blue ‘Garcia’ jersey from 2000, and headed over to Community America Ballpark to watch his beloved Wizards from his seat in the Cauldron.

“I can’t say I remember much of anything upon arriving at the CAB,” Richardson recalled with his face buried in his hands.  “Maybe because I knew deep down what was going to happen when my Wizards took the field.  We weren’t going to score and we were going to give up soft goals.  We started the season so well.”

Once again, local authorities contradicted the statements made by the Mr. Richardson.  Sgt. Arthur “Mac” McEntyre explained:  “What the suspect, who was above the legal limit for alcohol consumption, fails to reveal in his statement to the press is that he got on the roof of the nearby Taco Bueno following the conclusion of the Wizards 3-0 loss to the team from New York and threatened to jump.  His list of demands included:  Re-signing Miklos Molnar, making Peter Vermes a player/coach, and a free sandwich from Planet Sub, which he said he was entitled to since a team scored three goals.”

Richardson has been released on $250 bail and is awaiting a trial for disturbing the peace, public drunkenness, and resisting arrest.

Summer Interns For JC.Com Collectively Contributed To This Story