Sick of hearing the media and blogosphere drone on about how the United States can ill afford to fall behind to Algeria in Wednesday’s group finale, head coach Bob Bradley has addressed the issue. His solution will not only shock the American fans, it may result in the first ever in-game firing.

“My grand scheme is working,” an exasperated Bradley told JC.Com through an old rotary phone from the team hotel as, I assume, the veins pulsated across his polished dome. “We are in a position to win the group going into the final game. We ranked our opponents and decided to give England one cheap goal and Serbia…I mean Slovakia…umm, who the hell did we just play?”

Ever trustworthy, son Michael was right by dad’s side yelling in the background to provide the correct answer: Slovenia.

“Thanks for saving my bacon again, Mikey,” the former Ohio University coach continued. “So yeah, we gave Slovenia two. Continuing the trend, we planned on going down three to Algeria. But now all these talking heads are saying we need to score first to win.

“So I guarantee this, we will score first.”

When pressed for details, captain Carlos Bocanegra said, through multiple text messages, that he had heard rumors that the elder Bradley had some bad springbok the night before at dinner and might have to undergo rabies shots.

However, Landon Donovan was privy to the inside scoop and claimed that none other than Tim Howard would be the first one on the score sheet.

“It’s Bradley as the mad scientist,” said Donovan, who, via Skype, exclusively let JC.Com in on the details. “If we let Algeria score first, it would be like hearing ‘Finish Him!’ in Mortal Kombat. But, we’re going to take the ball from the opening kick off, knock it straight back to Timmy, and let him roll the ball in for an own goal.”

Clint Dempsey offered his own two cents when our conversation touched upon the idea of willfully conceding the first goal.

“Look, last game we were robbed,” Dempsey exclaimed on his iPhone app that acts as a mic. “We ain’t gonna let that happen this time around, man! If anyone is gonna screw us over it’s gonna be us! Don’t tread, son!”

When confronted with the idea, Bradley tried to point out his take on the genius involved.

“Much like when Sir Robin tried to confuse the killer rabbit by running away more in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Algeria aren’t going to know what to do when they’re ahead just 15 seconds in. Hell, we even get the ball back to go down and equalize straight away. And then I’ll have the last laugh, you’ll see!”

When it was pointed out that his side had to win the coin flip and then assumed that Bocanegra would remember to take the ball, the panic behind Bradley’s eyes set in.

“Oh ****. No one else pointed out that simple flaw. Now I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out something else. Mikey, go get me some Starbucks, it’s gonna be another all-nighter.”

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of The Skipper, and not of the Jimmy Conrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad. If you think this might actually be Bob Bradley’s thought process and want to discuss it with The Skipper he can be reached at theskipper@jimmyconrad.com.

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