Advice For Team USA
In an attempt to get a pulse of this beautiful and diverse country of ours, we, the interns of JC.Com led by Todd Stevens, interviewed people of varying professions to give us the skinny on what the United States needs to do to beat Slovenia tomorrow in their second game of the World Cup. Here’s what we found:
Math Professor John Mustoe – “If the forwards take the hypotenuse of the ball in relation to the trajectory after the point of impact from a midfielder’s cross and proceed to take systematic steps to meet it at the proper angle and with the correct surface of the foot, then they strengthen their position to negate luck and produce legitimate goal-scoring opportunities.”
Computer Tech Analyst Steven Thibodeaux – “Man, just do what my Lakers do. You know, play well to start, act disinterested in the middle, and close it out in the end. Oh yeah, Kobe Bryant for life, man. He’s way better than Jordan.”
Museum Curator Marie Scaliano – “I am of Italian descent and because of this, I know only one tactical strategy, defend with numbers and be patient on attack. I’m predicting a 1-0 win for the United States.”
Celebrity Joan Rivers – “I really like that coach of Team USA because, like me, his face never moves. I wonder how much it cost to have that permanent scowl put on. That must really motivate the players.”
“Where Are They Now?” Candidate Bobcat Goldthwait – “I don’t know whhhhat I have to offer or what kind of advice IIIIIII can give to the coach and reallllllly, I don’t care. IIIIIIIIII’m just glad that there is a ssssssssound out there from those damn hhhhhhhhorns that is more annnnnnnnnnnoying than me.”
Former U.S. Men’s National Team Coach Steve Sampson – “To throw off the opponent, [Head Coach] Bob [Bradley] should consider trying a formation that he’s never practiced or even told his team about before. It didn’t work for me in the 1998 World Cup but if my players were a little smarter than it would have.”
Oakland Raiders Owner Al Davis – “Just win, baby.”
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