News And Notes From Around The World Cup

-  After losing to Ghana in their opening game of the tournament, the president of Serbia, Boris Tadic, claims that midfielder Zdravko Kuzmanovic, who idiotically handled the ball in the box to give their opponents a penalty kick and the game-winning goal, is not Serbian at all.  “A true Serbian would never make such a boneheaded play.  Only Montenegrans are capable of that.”

-  Injured German Captain Michael Ballack claims that his team would’ve beat Australia by ten goals if he was playing.  Germany won 4-0.

-  South Korean Defender Kim Dong-Jin will miss his younger sister’s wedding due to his participation in the World Cup and, in accordance with South Korean tradition, he’s acting like he’s disappointed.

-  Babies ‘R Us is close to inking a deal with Brazilian superstar Kaka for his likeness, and specifically his name, for a new line of potties for kids who are learning to wipe their own ass for the first time.  Said Kaka, “Throughout my childhood, I was teased and ridiculed about a nickname my grandfather gave me so I’m happy to put it to good use.”

-  Portuguese Superstar and Midfielder Cristiano Ronaldo didn’t get recognized when out shopping near his team hotel and, as rumor has it, openly wept while doing sit-ups in front of a mirror when he got back to his room.

-  Quoted:  “I’m not a good player in the English Premier League so I don’t know why there was any expectation that I was going to play well in the World Cup.” – Australian defender Lucas Neill after his team got routed 4-0 by Germany in their first game of the first round of Group D

-  Due to Switzerland’s neutrality in both World Wars, many fans said they could care less about how they fare in this year’s tournament.  “All of the tickets I’ve been trying to sell, man, they go like warm beskuit,” yelled local resident and scalper Jan Schoeman through the din of the plastic horn blowing.  “But nobody wants to see the Swiss matches at all.  I can’t even give them away.”

Compiled by Umberto Zappia and his contacts throughout South Africa.