The Match Report

By Fanista

Dateline

MAY 23, 2010

KC Wizards vs Columbus Crew

Community America Ballpark (CAB), Kansas City, KS, USA

“This is Bowie to Bowie, do you hear me out there man?

This is Bowie back to Bowie I read you loud and clear, man.

Your signal is weak on my radar screen. How far out are you man?

I'm pretty far out

That's pretty far out man”

- Flight of the Conchords (from the song ‘Bowie’ found on the album Flight of the Conchords)

The feeling one experienced upon waking up this morning was similar to the feeling one would get from taking a water buffalo for a walk in your neighborhood.  While it seems like a good idea, the neighbors are likely to complain. 

My friend Buck was in town and decided to tag along to the match.  Buck thrives on adventure and adrenalin.  He wears a tanned leather jacket with faux-down lapels and fringe on the sleeves, even in the summer.  Buck uses his Bowie knife as a toothpick.  He rides his Harley backwards with his chaps on fire.  He smokes unfiltered camels; the ungulates, not the cigarettes.  He likes both his coffee and his women strong and bitter.  He can rip yellowpages.com in half, but chooses not to.  Perhaps surprisingly, Buck is a pleasant conversationalist and quite the grammarian.  And on this afternoon, he was in Kansas City on classified unofficial business for his unnamed employer.

Meanwhile on the field, the Wizards were, once again, in the position of trying to gently coax the season into a positive direction.  Earning just 2 points in the last 5 games had left the team in a less than desired position in the table.  Sustained possession and good scoring chances were not producing goals.  Unfortunately for the more than 10,000 fans who entered Community America Ballpark (CAB) with high expectations, including Buck, the result was not positive.

The Wizards took 18 shots, 6 of them on net, but could not put the ball between the posts.  Columbus, on the other hand, were able to put just 2 shots on goal, but the one that found the target was enough for the victory.  The goal was scored against the run of play and took the wind out of the sails of the Wizard's loud supporters.  Despite producing additional chances, Kansas City was unable to equalize and dropped all 3 points at home.

Buck was amongst those who were not pleased.  The game itself was not what concerned him, rather he had become a victim of the weather.  During the match, he had used a plastic knife to cut the legs off of his leather pants (his Bowie knife had been confiscated at the door).  The high humidity had caused his muscat-skin hat to become saturated with sweat and shrink to the size of a small rat.  He had removed his silk shirt leaving just the suede vest and combat boots in their pre-match state.

He was sweating under his Magnum P.I. mustache and had a bright-red sunburn on his forehead.  Even so, he said he planned to return to CAB when he was next in town.  Perhaps one day soon the wind, and some covert operation, will bring him back for a match.

Comments, concerns, or a big fan of Buck?  Drop Fanista a note at fanista@jimmyconrad.com and let him know.