A List Of Epic Proportions

By Dr. Soccer

Jimmy Conrad has been a patient of mine for a long time and during this stretch of twenty or so years, I’ve had the good fortune to see how he navigates the ups and downs of life with nimble humor and quiet resiliency.  Now, I know that what I’m about to do next might be frowned upon by the American Medical Association (AMA) since I could be breaking the revered doctor-patient confidentiality agreement but I truly believe that Jimmy’s trash, or anguish, can be another’s man treasure.  So here are some of the things Jimmy leans on to help him through the tough times (with an outside perspective from a family member):

THE TOP 5 PEOPLE, PLACES, OR THINGS JIMMY CONRAD

USES TO HELP SOFTEN THE BLOWS OF LIFE**:

“When he was 11, I told him that he couldn’t play “Pitfall” on his Atari until he did his homework so to retaliate, he stole a bottle of Jack from our liquor cabinet and a shot glass we got from Honolulu, took two shots, got belligerent, called us names, and passed out.  He’s never been good at being told ‘No’.” – Jimmy’s Mom

“I think it helps him have a better understanding of what rock bottom feels like.  Drinking and smoking is a crutch for people who can’t cope so, in an attempt to be like everyone else, he jumped in with both feet like me.” – Jimmy’s Uncle

“He will only play if he can use the words **********, ********, ************, ****, ****, ****, *****, *******, ***, ***, *****, et al.  Unfortunately, I’ve learned words that I never wish I knew but it makes him laugh when he says “balls” when “nose” would’ve been the perfect fit.  Whatever though, laughing is the most important thing.” – Jimmy’s Brother

“This is a recent obsession of his but if Jimmy has a bad day, specifically with his hair, then he tells me that he needs to get Bierberized, puts his ear bugs in, and I don’t see him until he listens to every track on ‘My World 2.0’.” – Jimmy’s Wife

“He hasn’t pulled the trigger yet but he often talks about how if he just had a barbed wire tattoo around his bicep, then he could wear his wife beater t-shirt, which in turn would allow him to wear his Jimmie Johnson NASCAR hat, and his life would be vastly improved.  It’s hard to say what event could push him over the edge and make him get the tattoo but I hope he doesn’t because he has skinny arms, a concave chest, and sparse chest hair.” – Jimmy’s Cousin

** - For all of you kids out there reading this blog, these tips are for entertainment purposes only.  Jimmy is a fine, upstanding citizen who handles adversity like your average superhero.  He has an alter ego, wears a costume, rescues kittens from trees, and walks old ladies across the street.