Valentine's Day Memories

(Editor’s Note:  We know this is two weeks late.  Thanks for your concern, William “Bill” Ford)

Just like in elementary school, we, being the staff of JimmyConrad.com, were encouraged to give our fellow employees a Valentine’s Day card as a way of showing each other that somebody out there cares (if they’re forced to). Now, there was no ill will intended in the proposed gesture, but unfortunately for all the staff here, it brought up some painful memories of Valentine’s Day past.  These memories are hard to relive, but as is our way, we are willing to share our personal pain and anguish for the benefit of the readers of our website.  Please enjoy these recollections of failed love and humiliation.

JROCK

Allison O’Reilly, Rebecca Mitchell, Sarah White, Stephanie Whitehurst, Natalie Watson, Cara Clark, Nicole Zimmerman, Jennifer Keller, Rachel Brown, and Maria Sanderson.  My advice is don’t piss off an entire cheerleading team; they may just decide to pepper your high school with fliers that say you put the “VD” in Valentine’s Day.

Fanista

I may be the Fanista, but I’m not fan of Sarah Cunningham - she broke my heart in 11^th grade.   I asked Sarah to the Valentine’s Day social and when I showed up at her house to pick her up on my GT Mach One (I had pegs on the back), she had a mysterious bout with the flu.  I later heard she went to the dance with the football captain, Robbie Mattison.  The jokes on her though, because from what I hear she’s happily married, rich, and has a wonderful life with Robbie…..that’s what all my single homeless friends at AA tell me anyway.

The Skipper

Fortunately, The Skipper’s worst Valentine’s Day doesn’t include Tom Cruise, but it does feature the (still, at that time) lovely Kelly McGillis.  Having already been complimented by my girlfriend’s mom on the roses I picked up because they “weren’t going to die the next day like the bouquet my husband bought for me at a gas station last year” -- my roses were indeed bought at a gas station -- we were off to see a play at the National Shakespeare Theater.  I don’t remember the play, other than it was long and dull, so let’s fast-forward three hours to leaving the parking garage.  As the girlfriend was saying something to me, Kelly McGillis stepped out from between two vans right in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, stopping just inches from “Charlie’s” right knee. Unluckily, the girlfriend was leaning forward and her face did not stop inches from the dashboard.  I drove her home as her eye began to swell.  The relationship didn’t last as long as those gas station flowers.

Dr. Soccer

I met Margaret Wilson in medical school.  We had been dating several months and on Valentine’s Day, I planned to propose.  As doctors we took the Hippocratic Oath, which extends to the ethics of practicing medicine, but, unfortunately for me, not the ethics of my best friend Carl, whom I discovered playing doctor with Margaret.  For some reason, since that fateful day, I haven’t been into Valentine’s Day or the board game, Operation.

Know-It-All Jones 

Trust me, the worst ******* Valentine’s Day known to the male species and I have the scar to prove it.

Head Of Security Randy Thorpe

I remember her like it was yesterday....her name was Drill Sergeant Patterson.  We met during basic training.  Every time she told me to drop and give her 20, my heart would skip a beat.  Sadly, I shipped out on Valentine’s Day, never telling her how I felt about her.  To this day, every time I do a set of push-ups, I get a semi.

Receptionist Gail Sands

I met my high school sweetheart on Valentine’s Day when we were just kids.  We fell in love, got married, and had beautiful children together.  Naturally, Valentine’s Day has always held a special place in our hearts and each year on February 14th, we always take the time to tell each other something nice about the other.  However, this year, Robert told me the most peculiar thing.  He said I had the loveliest dresses, which I didn’t think much of until he added that he enjoyed wearing them with my undergarments and that he preferred to be called Roberta.  I didn’t know what to say then and I don’t know what to say now.  I, um, I need a smoke.  This interview is over. Where are my cigarettes?

Pianist Matthew Petrosa

Have you heard of forbidden love?  Well, when I was a pimply sixteen year-old I experienced such a thing.  The apple of my eye was named Mrs. Hastings and she was my eighty-four year-old piano teacher.  Before you judge me, let me assure you there wasn’t anything her wrinkly magical hands couldn’t do that a younger woman could.  She knew all the keys to my heart and we were in love.  I owe everything that I am as a pianist and as a man to that octogenarian.  We planned to run away (or as fast as her Jazzy scooter could go) and live in a retirement home in Florida, but it never happened.  My true love passed away on the Valentine’s Day before we could buy our airline tickets with her saved up Social Security checks.  Now on February 14, I play “our song” (‘Let’s Get It On’ by Marvin Gaye) and think of her fondly.

Umberto Zappia

Valentine’s Day, a year or two ago, I happened upon the set of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” and watched a scene with actress Julianne Nicholson.  As she got into character and spoke her lines, I wondered what I would say if I could get close enough to talk to her.  Maybe something like this:  “If you’re going to frisk me, then you might want to look in my front pockets because I have some thing in there you might be interested in."   Not long after my practice run, my dream became a reality, and security escorted me off the premises. 

Intern Todd Stevens

I like women; I’ve always liked women despite what some people may have said to the contrary.  I am definitely straight, but when I was in high school there were these weird rumors about me because on Valentine’s Day I sent all the guys on the water polo, baseball, and debate team a Valentine’s Day card.  It’s ridiculous that innocently asking if they wanted to get together sometime to go play putt-putt and share a milkshake could be misconstrued as anything other than just trying to make friends.  Jocks…can’t live with them, can’t fantasize without them.