Stop The Presses/Posted By Editor William

Let me start by saying that Jimmy Conrad is fine.  There has been wide and dramatic speculation about the health of our nation's greatest product and gift (Jimmy Conrad).  Let me assure you again that Jimmy Conrad is fine and looking better than ever.

Yesterday, an enthusiastic intern, Todd Stevens, published an unauthorized post discussing sensitive matters related to Jimmy Conrad and our operation. I stress the post was unauthorized and therefore should be considered wholly inaccurate.

The Associated Press (AP) is reporting Jimmy Conrad is suffering from upper respiratory symptoms, nothing could be farther from the truth, he is fine and watching TV (Wendy Williams) as I write this.

I am prepared to confirm a visit by a few key members of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to our office just two days ago. The visit is being categorized as a coincidence and has nothing to do with the dead rat found in the basement of our headquarters. The rat died of natural causes and let's face it, it was just a rat.

William "Bill" Ford