Advice From Jimmy's Aunt Gladys
DEAR AUNT GLADYS:
Q: I am a pretty good tennis player who has recently been asked by my boyfriend to join his coed soccer team. Do you have any tips that could make me a kickin’ soccer player in a short period of time?
A: Firstly, it is very important that you don’t expect too much from yourself too early. The best players started very young, so you will have a lot of experience to catch up to. Set small goals for yourself. For instance, during the first game, try not to fall down when you kick the ball. By game 3, you might want to challenge yourself to not carry your tennis racket onto the field. Save complex maneuvers such as bicycle kicks, playing the ball back to yourself off of the cross bar, and “The Sombrero” for your second session.
Q: I am confused by some soccer terms. Why is the field called the ‘pitch’? Why are defenders called ‘full-backs’? And why is the umpire called a ‘referee’? I wish you soccer people would just speak English already!
A: As Americans, we sometimes forget that we did not create all sports. As inventors of baseball, basketball, and American football, we can name the terms anything we want. That is why we hear tough guys in sports bars without a hint of irony discussing infield flies, double-dribbling, and tight ends. Americans have also invented useful things like the telephone (Alexander Graham Bell), the cotton gin (Eli Whitney), the Internet (Al Gore), and the peanut (Jimmy Carter).
Q: I have been having a very hard time finding a good pair of indoor boots. Every pair I try either doesn’t fit properly or has poor traction. Do you have any suggestions?
A: When my nephew Jimmy was a youth player, he sometimes forgot to bring his boots to the field. His coach and I tried everything to get him to remember to bring them. At halftime, he sometimes ate orange slices. Those were good times.
The advice dispensed in this column is from the brain and experience of Jimmy's Aunt Gladys and no one else. Jimmy claims that she is a delightfully stubborn woman who demands respect with the back of her hand.
