I’ve been back from Seattle for 144 hours and I still haven’t ******* slept because Starbucks is still coursing through my veins. Man, what a ******* rush.

Apparently I have to talk about MLS Cup though since that’s why I was in Seattle. Tax write-off on the trip and all that. I can’t say I saw a whole lot of the game because Randy Thorpe kept going on and on about how cool the Space Needle looked. I was going to piss on that paint job, but they said it was waterproof being in Seattle. Good thing because with my luck lately I would’ve slipped and fallen off that tall *** tower. Know-It-All Jones can do a lot, but falling over 500 feet and living ain’t one of them.

Congrats to Real Salt Lake. Penalty kicks are a pretty awesome way to end a game and I was pulling for Nick Rimando because he and that dude from Rancid are boys. **** yeah!

MVP: Like I said, I didn’t see but five ******* minutes of the game. But I did see the halftime show where my MVP, Fredy Montero, took down Jimmy “The Champ” Conrad in Guitar Hero. Montero looked bad *** in his Michael Jackson jacket, though I was a bit confused because I’ve never seen MJ play a guitar. Nevertheless, Conrad came out with his own belt because he had to know deep down he wouldn’t be leaving with any trophy. And then he got his *** kicked. I haven’t been that happy since Metallica kicked that ***** Jason Newsted out.

Play of the Game: Have you not read what I’ve been ******* saying? It was halftime. When Montero kicked Conrad’s ***. Oh, and I also liked when that Donovan guy kicked a field goal in the shoot out. Guess he didn’t know it wasn’t worth three points. Dumb ***.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of Know-It-All Jones, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who is thankful he didn't be spending the holiday with the Joneses.

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