It’s been many moons since I have put pen to paper but in lieu of going into great detail trying to explain my extended absence, I have brought back a favorite topic of mine to avoid any direct or indirect questions about my whereabouts. So now I offer you two bits of advice before you continue below:

1. I only speak in truths so pay attention.

2. If you see me walking around and you feel compelled to say hello, don’t. Just leave me the **** alone.

- Athletes Who Thank God After Winning A Championship

What the **** is with these guys? Do they think God wanted the other team to lose and feel like a bunch of ***holes? Why doesn’t anyone ever thank God for losing? For example:

Reporter: How does it feel to finally get to the big game and lose? Does your season feel like it was all for naught?

Athlete: It’s clear God wanted me to know what it felt like to let down my teammates, all the fans, my friends and family, and the city I represent. I want to thank Him for giving me this opportunity to be a loser.

On the same topic but from a different perspective, do athletes truly believe God gives a rat’s *** about sports or one throw or an at-bat or a shot? I would like to think God has bigger ****** fish to fry. The whole mentality seems very American – We’re the only ones God cares about!

- Jimmy Conrad Running His First Soccer Camp In Austin, Texas This December

Parents are going to let their kids learn from this ****** guy? I don’t care if he’s played in a World Cup or scored a game-winning goal against Mexico or been an MLS All-Star many times over. What the **** does that mean? And don’t get me started about this whole nice guy thing he’s got people buying into, he’s not nice. [Editor’s note: Jimmy was just named as the 2009 U.S. Soccer Foundation/MLS W.O.R.K.S. Humanitarian Of The Year].

- Toilet Paper That Public Restrooms Stock

I understand that Parks and Recreation don’t really want you to use their ******* gross restrooms otherwise they would clean them every once in awhile but since these restrooms ******* exist, can they at least put in the good toilet paper instead of the **** one-ply that they use to cover the tables at the Doctor’s office? I mean, have some ******* respect for your fellow man.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of Know-It-All Jones, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who literally can’t wait until Know-It-All Jones’ contract expires and he’s no longer part of the website.

For more information on Jimmy’s camp this December, please click on the CAMPS tab above.

COMMENTS: 1

on 11.10.09 at 1:50 pm jrock1 wrote:

At this camp will there be marshmallows roasted over an open fire and Jimmy telling scary stories about his time as a towel boy in a Russian bath house?

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