With the first half of the Conference Semifinals, AKA the MLS Cup quarterfinals, in the books, the four series saw none of the higher seeds head home with a lead in the two-legged affairs. However, there were more surprises than that, including:

1. The Los Angeles Galaxy and Chivas USA exploding for four goals with, shockingly, a defender from the opposing team assisting on three of them.

2. The New England Revolution beat the Chicago Fire and none of the Revs suffered a major injury.

3. Houston Dynamo goalkeeper Pat Onstad received an offer from the NFL’s Houston Texans who are in need of a new linebacker.

Of course, none of the numbered surprised above topped the fact that the reigning MLS MVP was left on the bench for the Columbus Crew. For a reason only known to Crew Head Coach Wobert Rarzycha, the Argentinean playmaker, Guillermo Barros Schelotto (GBS), did not see action despite the fact his team struggled to create chances.

“Look, it was Halloween and a bunch of kids had blond wigs like (Crew forward Steven) Lenhart,” Rarzycha** told JC.com. “Plus, I’m tired of writing out GBS’s name. My hand starts cramping by the time I hit the double-R.”

Lenhart had a solid game, but the 6’1” rookie (6’5” with the fro!) could not find a way to put the Crew ahead.

“Yeah, we’re in a bit of a tougher spot,” Rarzycha** explained. “But we’re at home and not playing Toronto so it should be a good atmosphere. Plus, Real Salt Lake is as bad on the road as Pedro Martinez is at Yankee Stadium.”

Real should expect to see the Argentine during Thursday night’s game, unless Rarzycha follows Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot’s advice and tries to confuse the opposition by “running away more.”

“For sure he’ll be in there,” defender Hankie Frejduk** said. “I’ll bet a half-caff half-fat soy latte venti on it. But if not, I’ll just be back on my surfboard a couple of weeks early. It’s kinda a win-win for me, ya know brah?

** - Names of those quoted were changed to protect their true identity.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author's, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad. The Skipper is wondering how many times John Harkes will say Schelotto has “acres of space.” If you have an official count he can be reached at theskipper@jimmyconrad.com.

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