Up Close With Umberto Zappia

(Up Close With Umberto Zappia is a new weekly feature at JC.Com. Staff reporter Umberto Zappia will invite a guest to the McDonalds at 95th St. and Antioch in Overland Park, Ks. While eating, Mr. Zappia will do what he does best; he will ask the tough questions. His guest this week is Umberto's father, Dominic Zappia.)

We join the conversation after the two get their food and sit in a booth near the fountain drink island.

Umberto: Thanks for coming, I called a bunch of people and most were already booked or didn't bother answering the phone. Are you enjoying your fish sandwich?

Dominic: It is fine. I used a coupon and it only cost $2.10, which included the small coffee.

Umberto: Did you use the senior citizen discount?

Dominic: Yes. While I am thinking about it. Your Aunt Esther is coming to visit in a couple weeks and you should try to come to the house and say hi.

Umberto: Sure, just give me a call to remind me. Is Uncle Bernie coming?

Dominic: No.

Umberto: Do you remember when you and Uncle Bernie were making barbecue chicken on the grill, must be thirty years ago at this point...

Dominic: ...and we burned it and caught heck from your Mom and Aunt Esther. I was in the dog house for a while after that one. Uncle Bernie started telling that story about the aircraft carrier and the crap game. It is a long story and we weren't paying attention and before we knew it, all the chicken was on fire. I remember joking to your mother that we were trying to make "blackbirds".

Umberto:That story always gets me. What are you doing after lunch?

Dominic: I have to go to the hardware store to pick up my lawn mower blade. It was really getting dull. As I sit here, I couldn't tell you the last time I had it professionally sharpened. Tonight, your mom and I are going to watch a DVD I got for $2.00 at Walgreens. That reminds me, I haven't been able to turn the TV on. The remote control isn't working.

Umberto: Change the batteries.

Dominic: How do you do that?

Umberto: I'll come over and do it. It is too difficult to explain.

Dominic: I don't know why TV's are so hard to operate.

For any inquiries into his genius, Umberto Zappia can be reached at Umberto@JimmyConrad.com