Up Close With Umberto Zappia

(Up Close With Umberto Zappia is a new monthly feature at JC.Com. Staff reporter Umberto Zappia will invite a guest to the McDonalds at 95th St. and Antioch in Overland Park, Ks. While eating, Mr. Zappia will do what he does best; he will ask the tough questions. His first guest is none other than his boss, James Richard* Conrad.)

We join the conversation after the two get their food and sit in a booth near the Playland area.

Umberto: I wonder how old this McDonalds is? It has been here as long as I have lived here, so it is at least 20 years old. The Playland was added probably about 11 years ago. What did you get?

Jimmy: I didn't get anything, well I got water. I really don't like McDonalds. I thought we already talked about that.

Umberto: We did talk about it, but the new Up Close feature takes place in a McDonalds and it would have been stupid to have it at Arby's.

Jimmy: Could you wipe your face; there is mayo all over your cheek and it is making me sick.

Umberto: That always happens when I eat the Big N Tasty. I think there are more condiments on this burger than any other on the menu. Ketchup, mustard, pickles, everything. It is very filling and coupled with the large fry and drink; it makes for a good lunch. How much was that bottled water?

Jimmy: It was, I think, a dollar. How long is this going to take? I recorded Top Chef and I really want to go watch it. Are you going to ask any questions or are you continue giving me observations about the menu?

Umberto: Wow, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was going to start the interview after I got some food in my stomach. I was having some very pronounced symptoms of low blood sugar. It is an arresting feeling. I don't know if you ever felt it.

Jimmy: Everyone has had that feeling. First question please.

Umberto: OK. What other sports did you play when you were a kid?

Jimmy: I played baseball and basketball.

Umberto: Cool. Could you pass me a napkin? I spilled some mayo on my pants. Wow, baseball and basketball. Would you ever consider playing professional baseball like Jordan did. Didn't he play for the White Sox?

Jimmy: He played for their triple A team, That's enough, I am leaving, I can't take anymore of this. It doesn't appear that you have any questions prepared and I have got to get some other s**t done. So, bye.

Umberto: Don't leave yet. I will think of a good question....have you ever played water polo? No...

Jimmy: Out

(* Jimmy's middle name is 'Paul' not 'Richard')