Upon my return from my latest expedition throughout these greater United States to spread the good word of Jimmy ******* ***hole Conrad, I found a pamphlet on my desk and it had the word "URGENT" stamped in red on the front. I casually tossed it aside near my pile of unopened mail, eased back in my plastic Ikea chair that looked a lot more comfortable in the ******* catalog and stared up at the ceiling. "I hate this ******* place," I said to myself.

The pamphlet and the rest of the sealed envelopes remained untouched for a few days until Intern Todd Stevens had the gall to come by my cubicle and whisper, "Uh, Mr. Jones, Jimmy really needs you to fill out the questionnaire that was left on your desk. We’re being told to fill it out so that people have a better idea of who we, the employees, are because everyone knows about Jimmy. It had the word "URGENT" stamped in red on the front."

"You know what, you ******* yes man?" I replied. "**** you and **** Jimmy."

Like usual, Intern Todd Stevens left in a huff and on the verge of tears, which is my cue to yell after him, "Why don't you grow a pair?"

However, with my interest now piqued, I opened the pamphlet, read through what was being asked, and decided I wanted in. I wanted to ******* answer these stupid ******* lame *** questions so here are my replies:

1. What do you enjoy doing most in your time away from the office?

I enjoy taking Intern Todd Stevens' recently divorced mom out for drinks. She is ******* great at [THESE NEXT FEW LINES ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR PEOPLE OF ALL AGES AND HAVE BEEN DELETED ACCORDING TO SECTION 9.24 OF THE JC.COM STAFF RULES AND GUIDELINES HANDBOOK]

2. Movie you're ashamed to admit you enjoy?

“The Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

3. If you could be Jimmy for a day, what would you do with your newfound power?

I would do something about that ******* hair. It's a ******* disaster. Oh, and fire me. Please. I beg you.

4. What is an experience as a child that shaped who you are today?

What are you a ******* psychologist? Who’s asking these ******* questions?

5. Last song you sang aloud and would be embarrassed to admit you knew the words to and/or enjoyed?

“Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew and I have nothing to be embarrassed about so eat **** and die.

6. Window seat or aisle seat?

I prefer the middle seat so I can b*tch to the people on both sides of me about how ***tty the middle seat is.

7. Would you rather become increasingly intelligent with the consumption of alcohol, but also become increasingly convinced you are Gloria Estefan or have a firm grasp of roman numerals, but look exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?

Who the **** writes these questions? Listen, Gloria Estefan and her Miami Sound Machine churned out ******* crap music and Weird Al is a ******bag. I would rather be me, the ******* coolest guy that ever lived.

8. If you could only choose one fast food chain to eat at for the rest of your life, which would it be and why?

Alright, finally a question that makes me want to participate in this ******* questionnaire. I would choose Denny’s and here’s why: It’s open 24 hours, I can get my favorite dish, “Moons Over My Hammy” at 3 a.m. with nobody ******* sweating me, and they always have that ******* game with the claw that tries to grab the little stuffed animal in the waiting area. It helped me get some ******* action once with some girl when I won a pink dolphin but then it turned out she was a he. Long story and don’t even think about ******* asking me about it, you ******* ***holes.

9. Television program you’re ashamed to admit you enjoy or watch with regularity?

I ’m not ashamed to admit that I really enjoy the ******* Golden Girls. I have always had a thing for Blanche played by actress Rue McClanahan. She is the ******* goods.

10. Now that you’re employed by JimmyConrad.com, admit to one thing on your resume you might have lied about to get the job?

First off, I’m not employed by ******* Jimmy Conrad or this website, I’m volunteering my time to satisfy the demands of a certain ******* judge and my ******* ****suck** parole officer. Secondly, I lied on 95% of my application so when I put down that I was Manager of Chuck E. Cheese and part-time dancer at Chippendale’s at different times that was not true. I actually was employed by both at the same time and you should have seen the ******* moms who came in and recognized me.

11. How did you come to be employed by JimmyConrad.com and/or a story from your interview?

Here’s a snippet of my conversation during my interview with Jimmy:

Jimmy: So you put down on your application that we’re related somehow? Would you care to clarify?

Me: What are you, ******** Columbo? Listen, my great-grandparents and your great-grandparents, you know, during the Gold Rush, had some tea and wife swapped or something.

12. What’s an idea you pitched for JimmyConrad.com that never got out of the boardroom?

Selling Kenny Chesney piñatas on the merchandise section of our site. That guy drives me ******* insane and I don’t think I’m alone in my sentiments.

13. Favorite story from the JimmyConrad.com annual company picnic?

I made a real kick-*** potato salad without telling anyone it was me who was the architect behind the dish and it was a big hit so I was feeling pretty ******* good about myself until we did the trust fall exercise and no ******* caught me. I went straight to the punch bowl and when no one was watching I took a ******* *iss in it. How did that taste you ***holes?

14. Have you ever purchased something from an infomercial?

I bought a Bowflex and worked out once. I keep it in my living room so when the ladies come over they know I mean business.

15. When making a dated MacGyver reference and joke, what are the three things you use to punctuate the punch line of the joke?

I don’t make ******* MacGyver jokes. I make B.A. Baracus jokes and I pity the fools who don’t think I know what the **** I’m talking about.

16. What’s your favorite benefit of working at JimmyConrad.com?

I’ll tell you what it’s not: It’s not about soccer. I thought Jimmy was a professional ******* soccer player and there is barely anything on here that references the sport at all. I can only imagine how many ******* fans he loses by doing that *hit.

17. Kiss, Marry, Kill? – Pat Sajak, Bob Barker, Chuck Woolery

I think this is a question for Todd Stevens.

18. What’s one thing not many people know about you?

I could stick a Cheez-it up my nose when I was a kid. I had some monster ******* nostrils.

19. What is something or someone you irrationally hate?

In no particular order:

Jimmy Conrad

Head Of Security Randy Thorpe

Intern Todd Stevens

Receptionist Gail Sands

Pianist Matthew Petrosa

Staff Physician Dr. Soccer

Staff Reporter Umberto Zappia

Head Of Merchandise JROCK

MLS Correspondent The Skipper

Legal Counsel Jean DuBois

**** all of you people.

20. Favorite Jimmy Conrad story involving yourself?

In hindsight, I think this is my favorite interaction with the ******* guy. Read it about here.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad, who most likely thinks that Know-It-All Jones is on something.

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