After a considerable amount of lobbying and quite possibly for fear of a discrimination lawsuit, the 'Getting To Know Us Questionnaire' has been sent to all staff members of the JimmyConrad.com corporate headquarters. Originally, the questionnaire was to be filled out only by some of the higher-ups of the team, but after the candlelight vigil staged by our hourly and unpaid (Sorry Todd) staff we were contractually obligated to allow their participation.

Though they fought to be involved, they didn’t quite pay attention to the fine print, which is why you will find that we have only chosen the best answers to share with our readers today. The following responses are from questionnaires that Receptionist Gail Sands, Chief of Security Randy Thorpe, Pianist Matthew Petrosa, and Intern Todd Stevens were given. Enjoy.

1. What do you enjoy doing most in your time away from the office?

Pianist Matthew Petrosa – You know it takes quite a bit of practice to hone my craft. The demands of constantly being at the musical whim of so many eclectic musical tastes can be quite taxing. This is why when I’m not at work, I’m constantly practicing. My mother said it was mistake to turn down that scholarship to the Juilliard School of Music, but I’m determined to prove her wrong and show not just her, but also my coworkers, that I made the right choice. I also collect stamps.

2. Movie you’re ashamed to admit you enjoy?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe - Yea I’m a tough guy, but I have a softer side too. I’ve never told anyone about this for fear that I would be shunned by my Navy Seal buddies, but here goes nothing…I am ashamed of nothing…I am Randy ******* Thorpe! Had you going though didn’t I? The only things I’m ashamed of are those punks in Hollywood who cast a totally unbelievable Demi Moore in “G.I. Jane.”

3. If you could be Jimmy for a day, what would you do with your new found power?

Intern Todd Stevens – I would pay his interns.

4. What is an experience as a child that shaped who you are today?

Receptionist Gail Sands – When I was in high school I took one of those vocational aptitude tests that were designed to tell you what you should do with your life. The results showed that it was an equal tie between neurosurgeon, astronaut, and receptionist for a fledgling internet toy project of a professional athlete. I think I chose correctly, but hey, I’m more a glass half full kind of gal. Where are my smokes?

5. Last song you sang aloud and would be embarrassed to admit you knew the words to &/or enjoyed?

Pianist Matthew Petrosa – “Piano Man” by Elton John

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – I don’t sing, though there are many songs written about me.

Intern Todd Stevens – “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls

Receptionist Gail Sands – “Oochie Wally” by Nas

6. Window seat or aisle seat?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – My Navy Seal training has created a preference not to fly commercial airlines. I prefer to take a C130 Hercules and jump into the drop zone. I really appreciate Jimmy painting the roof of the office with that Red X, it’s helped a lot on those morning commutes.

7. Would you rather become increasingly intelligent with the consumption of alcohol, but also become increasingly convinced you are Gloria Estefan or have a firm grasp of roman numerals, but look exactly like Weird Al Yankovic?

Intern Todd Stevens – I don’t even know who Gloria Estefan is and I’m not old enough to drink yet so that combined with my love of parody songs and it’s a no-brainer.

8. If you could only choose one fast food chain to eat at for the rest of your life, which would it be and why?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – I don’t eat that **** and I never will. I take that back, I’ll eat at a fast food restaurant as soon as McDonald’s adds a value meal that includes the soul of those who get in my way.

9. Television program you’re ashamed to admit you enjoy or watch with regularity?

Receptionist Gail Sands – I have young children and I have to admit that some of their watching habits have rubbed off me. I followed several episodes of “The Hills” thinking Lauren Conrad was related to Mr. Conrad. Well, by the time I realized they weren’t related I was already invested in that show and now I never miss an episode! Lauren is a sweety, it’s a shame I can’t fix her up with my son Dwight.

10. Now that you’re employed JimmyConrad.com, admit to one thing on your resume you might have lied about to get the job.

Pianist Matthew Petrosa – I wasn’t really Tom Hanks’ stunt double in the Chopsticks scene from the movie, “Big.”

11. How did you come to be employed by JimmyConrad.com &/or a story from your interview?

Intern Todd Stevens – I met with my guidance counselor at school who told me that if I wanted to get a good job after I graduated that I need to vary my work experience. She recommended Mr. Conrad and now I have something to put on my resume next to my job life guarding. I wish someone had told me that this was an unpaid internship before I started because, believe it or not, the constant berating and taunting by Know-It-All Jones isn’t payment enough. I cry a lot.

12. What’s an idea you pitched for JimmyConrad.com that never got out of the board room?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – Jimmy is an athlete so I knew he could take it but I guess some of the other weakling employees couldn’t hack the idea of an interoffice tough-man competition to determine bonuses this year.

Pianist Matthew Petrosa – JimmyConrad.com the musical

13. Favorite story from the JimmyConrad.com annual company picnic?

Receptionist Gail Sands – I swear it wasn’t funny at the time, but in retrospect seeing Know-It-All Jones having no one catch him during the trust fall exercise during the team building portion of the picnic last year was pretty darn funny. No one likes him, he’s very ill-tempered.

14. Have you ever purchased something from an infomercial?

Intern Todd Stevens – I haven’t but I have received infomercial products as gifts. What is it about me that says, “He needs 17 Snuggies”?

15. When making a dated MacGyver reference and joke, what are the three things you use to punctuate the punch line of the joke?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – I was a Navy Seal, MacGyver was a pu**y. The only three things a real man needs to get out of any situation is his left hand, right hand, and his brain. If you want a shortcut, all you need is one of me.

16. What’s your favorite benefit of working at JimmyConrad.com

Receptionist Gail Sands – Jimmy allows me to knit at my desk so getting this year’s Christmas gifts done early has been wonderful.

Pianist Matthew Petrosa – Why we have a grand piano in the lobby is anyone’s guess, but it’s a joy to play.

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – Every other job I’ve had has had much more stringent rules on the level of force I’m allowed to use, so it’s been cool to use the amount of force I deem necessary. Some call it excessive, I call it just right.

Intern Todd Stevens – Benefit?

17. Kiss, Marry, Kill? – Pat Sajak, Bob Barker, Chuck Woolery

Intern Todd Stevens – Why is this question on here? Have you been talking to my roommate Derek? I told him my hand accidentally ran through his hair while he was sleeping, it doesn’t mean anything.

18. What’s one thing not many people know about you?

Chief of Security Randy Thorpe – Though I am actually a former Navy Seal, I’ve never actually seen combat. The closest I’ve ever come to real battle has been sitting through the weekly meetings here at the office. Staying awake during those things rivals any fight on a battlefield, trust me.

19. What is something or someone you irrationally hate?

Receptionist Gail Sands – I hate the office lunchroom because I’m always the one stuck staying after work to make sure we have a clean place to eat our meals at work. One of these days I’m going to find out who keeps burning the popcorn and leaving spaghetti stains inside of the microwave.

20. Favorite Jimmy Conrad story involving yourself?

Intern Todd Stevens – I’ll never forget the night Jimmy and I were up late at the office burning the midnight oil. He was of course trying to work on something for JimmyConrad.com and I was there assisting him giving him ideas and notes as he furiously typed away at the keyboard. I don’t even remember what it was Jimmy was working on, but he was so impressed that I had stayed to help him that he took me out to dinner. We talked about the website and how important he thought I was to the company and furthermore how much he liked me personally. I’ll never forget the kindness Jimmy showed me that night. Then I woke and prepared for yet another day of being undervalued and in direct fear of the famous “Conrad Swirly”…trust me you don’t want to know.

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