No matter what happens on the field this Wednesday night at RFK Stadium in the Nation’s Capitol when Seattle Sounders FC take on D.C. United, Seattle feels that they will have the final laugh in the course of the next year. The Sounders may not win the Dewar Cup, or a shot of Dewar’s, but they will be the choice of gamers all across the land.

Thanks to their partnership with Xbox 360, Seattle owners have worked a deal with EA Sports to greatly boost the ratings of Sounders players, while severely decreasing those of the four-time MLS Cup Winners.

“Look, we’re one year removed from USL,” explained owner Crew Darey. “ We’re not supposed to win a trophy even if we are playing a team that hasn’t won in September since Barker’s Beauties were actually hot.”

For example, Kasey Keller easily became the highest rated goalkeeper of all MLS netminders on the game as his reaction was boosted from 78 to 95, his distribution jumped from 64 to 82, and, most impressively, his ability to grow hair shot up from -17 to +33. Other players seeing significant jumps in overall ranking included Fredy Montero (from 72 to 85, though it would have been higher had he had two D’s in his first name), Jhon Kennedy Hurtado (65 to 83, one for each letter in his name), and Stephen King (from 52 to 739, the average number of pages in one of his novels).

On the flip side, United brass are not happy.

“We win trophies, dammit,” D.C. President and CEO Pevin Kayne exclaimed. “Haven’t you seen our ads? I mean this isn’t Champions League, we expect to W-I-N win!”

Several D.C. players were dropped in their rating rather unjustly. Ben Olsen’s heart inexplicably dropped from 100 to 42 while his hairless character now appears to be based on Stan Sitwell from Arrested Development (the TV show, not the band of “Mr. Wendell” fame). Newly shorn Christian Gomez saw his passing rated at 62, shrinking much like the hair on his head from 87. Finally, Jaime Moreno, whose character’s hair is bleached blonde as it normally is in preseason but not late in the year, saw his penalty kicks drop from 96 to 32.

“With that level, he’d only have 50 career goals” Kayne yelled. “I mean, at that rate you might as well kill our national team and put Bob Bradley’s substitutions at 32.”

Ironically, that’s exactly where Bradley’s substitutions were ranked. And it was a minor increase.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author's, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad. The Skipper will be enjoying $2 beers and dogs at the final on Wednesday.

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