Fantasy Football Draft Results And Preview - Part...
With the 2nd Annual JC.com Fantasy Football Draft complete, each team owner from the pre-determined Please Raise Your Children To Be Like Jimmy Conference will display their team name, team logo, projected starters, and a quick summation of why they will be crowned champion this year. The results of the You Wish You Were As Cool And Handsome As Jimmy Conference were revealed two days ago and you can read about it HERE but now, please read below.
THE PLEASE RAISE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE LIKE JIMMY CONFERENCE
TEAM #7
Team Owner: Head Of Merchandise/Staff Writer JROCK
Team Name: Daniel LaRusso Is Gonna Fight
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Matt Ryan – ATL
RB: Matt Forte – CHI
RB: Ryan Grant – GB
WR: Randy Moss – NE
WR: DeSean Jackson – PHI
RB/WR: Pierre Thomas – NO
TE: Jason Witten – DAL
K: Nick Folk – DAL
DEF: Dallas Cowboys
Summary: "My strategy of only drafting players with the names Matt or Ryan was thwarted when I discovered 1986 Cleveland Browns kicker Matt Bahr was no longer in the league. I also attempted to draft the Rhine Fire defense of the old World League because Rhine sounds like Ryan, but that was shot down too. Truthfully I don’t even like fantasy football, but my I guess no one follows professional badminton as closely as I do so the fantasy badminton league never materialized. Though I’ve never finished in anything other than last place in previous fantasy leagues I have a gut feeling my luck is going to change, no wait that’s indigestion - my bad."
TEAM #8
Team Owner: Staff Physician/Advice Dispenser Dr. Soccer
Team Name: Trapper John, M.D. > Doogie Howser, M.D.
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Peyton Manning – IND
RB: Reggie Bush – NO
RB: Willie Parker – PIT
WR: Larry Fitzgerald – ARI
WR: Donald Driver – GB
RB/WR: Donald Brown – IND
TE: Heath Miller – PIT
K: Stephen Gostkowski – NE
DEF: Pittsburgh Steelers
Summary: “I don’t know much about who is good and who isn’t so I went out a bought a few magazines that I thought were very informative until I learned that they were printed and put out on shelves three to four months before the season even starts! How am I supposed to know the latest from these ten-dollar magazines? What a gyp. My next approach was to pick guys I had seen in commercials or were named after my favorite Uncle Donald. God rest his soul.”
TEAM #9
Team Owner: Head Cheese/Big Enchilada/Top Banana Jimmy Conrad
Team Name: Calmer Than You Are
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Tom Brady – NE
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson – SD
RB: Joseph Addai – IND
WR: Terrell Owens – BUF
WR: Kevin Walter – HOU
RB/WR: Torry Holt – JAC
TE: John Carlson – SEA
K: Lawrence Tynes – NYG
DEF: Chicago Bears
Summary: “My main strategy was to pick guys that I felt were undervalued by coming off of a significant injury (Tom Brady), an off year (LaDainian Tomlinson, Joseph Addai), being a crazy egomaniac (Terrell Owens), or were good three years ago (the players already mentioned, Torry Holt, Bears Defense). I mixed in some players most people have never heard of with these familiar names and to be honest, I think I’ve got myself a winner. With that being said, as commissioner of this league, I would like offer a round of good luck to all of the participants. Don’t let me win it two years in a row!”
TEAM #10
Team Owner: The Much Despised But Very Entertaining Staff Writer Know-It-All Jones
Team Name: Go **** Yourself
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Philip Rivers – SD
RB: Frank Gore – SF
RB: Brandon Jacobs – NYG
WR: Wes Welker – NE
WR: Hines Ward – PIT
RB/WR: Julius Jones – SEA
TE: Tony Gonzalez – ATL
K: David Akers – PHI
DEF: Baltimore Ravens
Summary: “If this fantasy bull**** was played on paper, this would already be ******* over, my ******* team ******* rules. Even my ******bag of a probation officer, Randy Thorpe, or whatever the **** his title is, believes that I have the best team. Randy never ******* speaks because Randy is an ******* but in our many weeks together since my incident (LINK) with that ******* punk Pianist Matthew Petrosa, I have come to understand his mix of nods and eye rolls. This ******* trophy is mine because I am the **** and so is my team. So go **** yourself.”
TEAM #11
Team Owner: Husband Gut
Team Name: In-N-Out Burgers
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Kurt Warner – ARI
RB: DeAngelo Williams – CAR
RB: Steven Jackson – STL
WR: Steve Smith – CAR
WR: Dwayne Bowe – KC
RB/WR: Fred Jackson – BUF
TE: Antonio Gates – SD
K: John Carney – NO
DEF: New Orleans Saints
Summary: “Oh yeah, you lesser turds out there. I am Husband Gut!!!! I have the ability to eat and watch TV…without going to the bathroom!!! OH YEAH!!! It makes me the perfect competitor for this league. I can watch every game, every play while enjoying my fast food or bag of Oreos so be prepared for me to be the first to the waiver wire for the next big thing. You will suffer. I LIKE TV AND FOOD – This is what gives me my power over you. I’m watching.”
TEAM #12
Team Owner: Intern Todd Stevens
Team Name: The Yes Man
Team Logo: 
Projected Starters:
QB: Carson Palmer – CIN
RB: Brian Westbrook – PHI
RB: Steve Slaton – HOU
WR: T.J. Houshmandzadeh – SEA
WR: Brandon Marshall – DEN
RB/WR: Anthony Gonzalez – IND
TE: Dallas Clark – IND
K: Rob Bironas – TEN
DEF: Miami Dolphins
Summary: “Jimmy told me that if I ended up winning the whole thing this year, then I could lose the ‘intern’ tag and become a full-time employee replete with benefits so I tried to draft the best team that I could. Also, to make sure I exhausted every resource at my disposal, I called each NFL team that my players play on so I could give each one of them a pep talk about what it would mean for me to be a full-time employee at JC.com. If it happens, then maybe I can finally get my hospital bills paid for after Know-It-All Jones threw his ping-pong paddle at me and cracked my head open (15 stitches) after I beat him in this year's JC.com Table Tennis tournament. Please win team, please. I’m begging you.”
