Yeah, I know it’s been a ******* minute since I’ve been around JC.com. And the website is definitely worse off as a result. Are you ******* kidding me with that Nick Drake ****? Dude’s been dead for 35 ******* years. I mean, it’s great music if you want something to put you to sleep, but not if you’re thinking about Twinkies (link). If you’re going for that delicious treat in a plastic bag, you gotta go with the Rolling Stones, cause Keith Richards is the only ******* thing on Earth that will outlast the favorite snack of Sgt. Al Powell of Die Hard fame.

Anyway, that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to welcome back into the mix the only blogger that had the balls to stand by me through the ******** I’ve been dealing with thanks to Mr. Conrad, as I now have to refer to him after the ****show that was Kennebunkport, Maine (link).

My boy The Skipper hasn’t been around JC.com much lately. You’re probably thinking he was on a three-hour tour that went awry like some piece of **** TV show. Well, you’re ******* wrong. The Skipper, or Skips to his friends, AKA me, flew up to New England to act as a buffer between me and that ******* Randy Thorpe. I wasn’t really down at first, but it was good to have someone else that spoke. Like any good sailor, Skips has a pretty vulgar mouth and pretty soon we were BFFs -- Best ******* Friends.

We thought it’d be fun to continue ruining the name of our employer so we mapped out a route around New England. Suffice it to say, Jimmy will never be welcome on Cape ******* Cod. He’s still cool on Martha’s Vineyard, but only because two self-respecting bloggers would never be caught dead on that ***** *** island.

Rhode Island was next up, but I blinked and missed the whole ******* state. I made an awesome joke about it not being an island at all and Randy nearly laughed. He’s ******* good.

I can’t give out all the details, but we wound up in Baltimore and nearly had a home for the first annual Jimmy Conrad Festival. Sure, Charm City’s a bit big, but it was home to the best ******* TV show ever made, The Wire. What I would have given for Omar to hunt down Jimmy cannot be put into words. But in the end, after a brief sit down with Mayor Sheila Dixon, I once again ****** things up by telling her that her nephew, Juan, was a skinny ******* and that he was lucky Maryland beat Kansas in the 2004 Final Four. El Skipperino tried to smooth things over with Mayor Dixon by reminding her the Orioles would win before the Wizards ever would, but she had no idea who the **** that was. So he stormed out, slamming the door so hard it made Randy jump. Which put a huge ******* smile on my face.

Skips did take me out on his boat. We tried to ditch Randy, but that ****** dove off the deck and swam to catch up to us. Apparently he really was a SEAL. We went out sailing for a few days and, I’ve gotta say, it really did ******* calm me down. There’s nothing like a sunset over the ocean horizon. I’ll try to make that my happy place the next time Jimmy is droning on and on about office conduct. That should be much better than visualizing beating the **** out of him and Todd ******* Stevens. But don’t worry, I’m not going ****** soft or anything.

So get ready for the return of The Skipper. And know that Know-It-All Jones hasn’t lost a ******* step either because I’m set for a return to the JC.com headquarters to have a nice little chat with Senor Conrad and when I arrive I’m going to challenge him to arm wrestle, turn my hat around like Lincoln Hawk in Over The Top, and break his ******* arm.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author’s, and not of the JimmyConrad.com staff (save for one) or of Jimmy Conrad. The Skipper, when asked to confirm details of the cannonball run down the east coast replied simply, “**** you.”

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